Procrastination and low self-confidence

Simone and Zady, thank you for your fast reply. I have just googled Hans and got me his contact details.

If Zady comes back with a prescription, I will try it first. Even if this would remove only the first layer or first layers, that would be already an improvement. And I can take it from there. Possibly or most likely getting in consultation then with Hans directly.

I am doing homoepathy for about 20 years, so I know that often everything worsens first before mind & body can heal themselves. I am working at the moment at home. So, it doesn't matter much if I am in tears and shreds during the day. And night.

It is indeed very interesting that you pointed out that my behavior is consistent with effects from sexual abuse. I had the feeling it is also. The homoepath I consulted here in person was 'overseeing' this, despite me mentioning this issue more than once.

Thank you again.

I will keep you posted.

Best, Tara

Which homeopathic remedies have you taken.
I don't remember the first homeopathic remedies but the 3rd one was Tarantula LM. This was to treat my eating disorder (overeating) and my overeating habit stopped with that. This was in 1995. The next issue I tried to tackle was acne and dandruff. I then also mentioned to the therapist my problems with relationships and sexual abuse in childhood. There was temporary relief with dandruff and acne, although unfortunately, I don't know all the remedies I was given.

In the time from 2000 until 2001, I took notes from what I was given:

Kalium Carb. C30 - May 2000
Pulsatilla C30 - June 2000
Natrium Sulf. C30 - July 2000
Lycopodium clavatum C30 - Sept. 2000
Arsenicum C1000 October 2000
Hyoscyamus niger C30 December 2000
Opium C30 - end December 2000
Arnica montana January 2001
Thuja C30 - March 2001
Mancilla C30 - Sept. 2001
Ignatia C30 - date unknown

The C30 potencies were given either for a temporary issue - i.e. Opium for a cold/flu; Thuja because my mind went in circles about a flatmate who I eventually kicked out. I could not stop being upset about her, the things she had said and the things I should have said but didn't.

In the time from 2000 and 2001, I was given Sabadilla LM 18 and Belladonna LM 18. These higher potencies were given directly after in person consultation. As far as I recall, Belladonna was to treat acne & dandruff. But I don't have the dates.

My consultant unfortunately passed away. I then was shortly with another consultant, treating acne & dandruff. I don't have information what I was given in May 2008 after the 1st consultation. He advised me not to use shampoo but wash my head/hair with water only. This is what I am doing ever since. It has helped, although dandruff is not completely gone. Sometimes, the scalp itches (and I scratch). Relief is with lukewarm water. The second remedy (taken in November 2008) was Medorrhinum C12. I the stopped consulting with him, as I was waiting for the remedies more than 4 weeks.

Last year, I began again consulting in person. The issues I had mentioned to the consultant were: Gums/ givingities, dandruff, acne, relationships, sexual abuse, and my tendency to procrastinate.

I was given twice, over the course of several weeks Lachesis C200 and Staphysagria 10M. If I recall correctly, I was supposed to take one week for consecutive days Lach, then Staph, then Lach again, and then Staph again. That did not change anything - neither improvement or disapprovement. I then was given Anac LM1 (disoluted); I was supposed to take several drops every day. Four weeks later, I was again consulting with her, saying that there is no change, and I was given Anac LM2 (disoluted). Again, there was no change, and I got frustrated with the treatment. When I called her, I cried a little out of frustration. I felt like she doesn't really listen to what I am saying. She then told me to take Sulphur C30, which I did. During my last in person consultion with her, we agreed to split, because I didn't notice any changes and felt being at the same point, in the same situation where I was 6 months earlier when I started consulting her.

How long you have had procrastination problem?
I have noticed it the first time while writing my thesis (2001 - 2004). I kept re-writing the first page, the first chapter forever. A friend of mine then forced me to move on. But I re-wrote the entire thesis one last time before submitting it. As soon as I had submitted it, I didn't worry about the result. I called the exam office the day before my verbal exams to have some idea about the result. Between 2004 until 2011 or so, I have pushed this issue about procrastination into the back of my head. In the last two years, I have procrastinated with everything I could though. And looking back, I would say, I am doing this forever. And in the last 2 years, I have 'mastered' it. I indeed remember now that I wrote several drafts for thank you letters after Christmas and birthdays to my grand-parents, to send off a perfect letter including legible handwriting. My handwriting always caused complaints from everyone in my family. After having returned from a year abroad, my Godfather said 'I couldn't read a word.' He however had never bothered to drop me a line at all.

Tell us about your emotional side?

I don't feel being in charge of my life. I pay my bills in time and most financial issues, I tend not to postpone, because I don't like the drama. But I feel that things, my life, are not going as they should, mostly because I procrastinate, because I don't take opportunities when they are around, and often self-sabotage myself. I work a job I dislike to pay the bills. But if I then meet someone who works in film (which is what I want to work in), get their email address, I end up not sending my CV. I work on the CV and cover letter for at least a week, and when I don't send it off, I tell myself that I wouldn't have gotten the job anyway due to lack of experience. So, there is also a big lack of self-confidence. Often I also ask others for advise, not trusting my own gut feeling. Example: A film crew had forgotten an item at the house I live in. Instead of ringing them and dropping the fact that I look for a job in film, I ask my neighbour 'should I call them?' By the time I am ready to ring the company, the item is picked up already. The missed chance is then circling around my head, and then, after a few days of licking my wounds, I close off into day-dreaming and fantasizing about next times, and how it would be to work on film sets. I sometimes have the feeling I fear rejection as well as possible success.

I wouldn't call myself depressed, sometimes rather sad or frustrated, although I can hide this very well. And my friends think I am a born optimist. I however know that my outer optimism is often exhausting. And sometimes I don't even know where I am taking this optimism from. If I am on a roll, I am energetic though.

I am also getting frustrated if people don't listen, that they waste my energy for instance by asking and getting advise but then don't follow my advise. Why on earth do they ask in the first place then?

I dislike the fact that I am single. I can keep myself busy, I have no problem of going to the movies or even a concert by myself. But I would like to belong to someone, someone I am special to. Someone I can share our lives with, although I don't need to do everything together with the other person. Having a few different intersts is fine. I like someone I can lean on, someone who protects me. When I told my mother about the sexual abuse, she didn't believe me.

I am extremely tidy; I like everything to be in specific places at my home, similar to Bree in Desperate Housewives. At the office, my desk is usually messy. I clean up once in a while, and it looks messy again after an hour.

I dislike others mothering or patronizing me. But instead of speaking up, I bite my tongue or, depending on how long I know the other person just drop the contact.

I know that there is no use of crying over spilled milk, but I often think 'If I had made a different decision at that point' or 'If I had done it my way and not listened to others, then ...'

It is even difficult to put down my foot within my family, my mother. (My parents divoced when I was 2 and there is no contact to my father since then.) It takes me sometimes several attempts to get my point across. This is upsetting but I am often at the end of my wits.

Most people say (or think) that I am very patient. I am actually extremely impatient, espcially when people don't listen. But because I don't say anything to avoid the argument, others mistake it as patience. And I often think that people underestimate my intelligence: I feel they walk all over me, because I don't speak up.

I am sensitive to criticism in regards to my appearance or in relation to my intelligence. When a teenager in school, one of the boys (although I had no interest in him) said that I could lose some more weight. This did upset me and I thought 'if he thinks that, every other boy thinks the same.' And as a teenager I also thought that a boy will only be interested in me if I am thin. And if a boy I liked had interest, I started to stuff myself, to push him away and have an excuse that he lost interest. 'I am big, no surprise that he likes another girl.' And I don't have to deal with intimcay. I cannot lose what I don't have. Now that I don't stuff myself anymore, I tend to show off and please the other person.

What triggers a break up?
I have not been in many intimate relationships, and the few were short lived, 6 weeks the longest. The last time, I heard 'you are not the one.' At first I thought this is because I am not into oral sex and refused to give in. Oral sex was also an issue in the 2 previous relationships. But I think this is the only time I indeed refuse to give in. With everything else, I try to make things right. I try to make the other person happy and please him. And in that, I am losing myself. I am not my own person anymore. And because of that, the man loses interest, I suppose. Like a child that loses interest in playing with a doll. Looking back at all the relationships since I was a young adult, I was not making decisions for myself. If i.e. the man wanted to spend the night at my place, he did, and I never said 'no.' It is as if I have submitted my thinking for myself to the other person. I always avoided fights by not putting my foot down, saying that I disagree or that I am not okay with somethings. In one of my previous relationships, my self-esteem was below zero, as the man constantly put me down for my weight (back then I was still oer-eating). Instead of f.ex. telling him then to go hiking with me, I allowed him to put me down with his comments.

I have observed a similar pattern with some former friends, that I avoided an argument by not speaking up. I just let things happen. I even throw one housemate's trash in the bin, which she left in our hallway every time. I got very upset, telling myself 'next time, I just throw it onto her bed.' I also avoid arguments with colleagues.

Do you like sweets?
Yes, I have very sweet tooth. I crave chocolate but only the one with high amount of chocolate (81%)/dark chocolate. Everything with chocolate in it, such as M&Ms, Oreos, chocolate muffins. I avoid/dislike caramel or creamy, glibbery stuff, such as Jaffa cakes.

Do you like salty stuff? No, not at all. And food I prepare has no salt at all.

Weeping? As a child, I weeped a lot. The last time I really cried was after the funeral of my grand-mother. And when I was in the phone consultation with the former consultant, a little weeping but more out of frustration. Last year, in late autumn/ early winter, I felt on the verge of tears a lot, but I was in these moments for instance in a supermarket. And at home, I couldn't get one tear out.

Physical sufferings? Back pain. If I do yoga regularily, with specific exercises to strengthen the back, it is better.

Closing oneself off in the room with windows closed and covered with curtains? I don't like curtains (in one flat, I took them off). The blind I have in my current flat have never been in action with me. I have the windows open all day, generally, unless it's really cold and the rain comes in. At night, I tend to have the windows open. Have to close them often though because of outside 'noise'. During the day, I don't mind the birds, but cannot sleep at night with them singing.

Headaches? Yes, I would even say it's migranes as I often vomit then. In 2010, I had headaches every week-end; this was work-related due to constant overtime on weekdays. It stopped when I had made it official to leave this job. Until October 2011, I had headaches maybe once or twice (possibly in relation to the first day of my period). Toward the end of 2011 I experienced a higher frequency of headaches again, usually on Sundays. The first 2 months after having left my last job, I had sometimes headaches twice a week, not consecutive days, but i.e. on Sunday and then on Wednesday. I might be wrong but I noticed headaches whenever I had not done something on a day as I had planed to do it, as if it is laying like a stone in my stomach. The headaches often are accompanied by burping.

I don't drink alcohol and don't do drugs (hash, marijuana etc.) But I smoke, about a pack a day.

Hi Zady, I just posted my answers to your questions. I forgot to mention that I don't take allopathic medicine ever since I have started with homepathy, not even aspirin. I have started to take Bach drops especially Rescue Remedy when I have migranes or stress at work, deadlines to meet.

Please also ask if you need further information about my emotional state of being. I have trid to be as informative and specific as possible. And I just remember to mention one thing in regards to how I am dealing with criticism: If someone critizes my writing or a picture I have taken, I can care less. When studying art in college, I was famous for being 'the artist who doesn't care'. Still, most recently, I had a situation when working with a producer on a screenplay of mine. Over the course of several months, I changed and altered everything she wanted. Until even I was not 'patient' anymore. But it took me months until I spoke up, saying that I won't even change a comma now, that she should submit this now and that I am insisting on getting specific credits for my work. She then withdrew from the project.

So, I also tend to cling onto something, despite all my alarm bells ringing. I do this also in personal, intimate relationships, if I am in one. My gut feeling tells me that this is no good but I hang onto it, until the bitter end.

Also, please email me if you need to know more, if I feel in specific situations more this way or another.

Thanks so much,
Tara

Hi Simone,

I have just posted all the remedies including potencies up for Zady. I actually found the list of what I was given when looking for staphysagria (I have it, C30) and I was given it by my last therapist in a higher potency.

I started doing the list after I had purchased a box with most homoepathic remedies in C30 potency, to have things on hand. And I put down the date next to the remedy if I was given that.

With the 2nd consultant, unfortunately, I couldn't continue doing the list, because he didn't tell me the remedy. The 2nd remedy I only know because I had to order it.

With the 3rd consultant, I started to write down again.

Thanks so much for your answer, Tara

Hi Zady, sorry about this but I remember one more remedy: Against sea sickness - tabacco C30. That was December 1999. I again took it on the way back in January 2000.

Simone pointed out the effect of the remedies I was given.
Tarantula worked excellently; this was as if a key had been turned around. I still remember what I said 'I eat all the time, if I am stressed, if I am not stressed, if I am bored. I find always a reason.'

Tabacco worked also like a miracle against sea-sickness.

The other remedies didn't have that major effect, unless the issue was a minor one such as a flu/cold.

Maybe the potency was wrong? Maybe I was not giving 'the' information which just points to the one and only remedy? Or maybe not enough layers had been scrubbed off first, so that 'the' remedy can do its work?

Anac which was the last remedy given by the 3rd consultant, I felt that this backfired. And also, with the first two therapists, I was told to take a globoli once. The 3rd therapist insisted I was taking a globuli on consecutive days. And Anac without interruption for 4 weeks straight.

Hi Zady,
thanks a mil for your help.
Tara

Hi Zady, I just emailed you.

Thanks a mil for your help,
Tara

Hi Zady,

thanks so much. I will try to get Sepia 6C tomorrow. Hopefully the shop has it here. Otherwise I will order it straight away. I have only Sepia C30 here.

I will drop you an email once I have it and update you.

Instructions are clear (dropper, clean/spring water, 1st dose and taping of bottel for 2nd & 3rd dose)

Again thanks a mil for all your input and help,
Tara

Hi back,

ah alright, thanks. Then I will do this now. And I will update you in 5 days.

Again, thanks so much :)

Hello Zady,

I feel a little more optimistic overall. I haven't experienced any change in my sleeping pattern, still having trouble falling asleep although I am tired at night.
My mind and heart are racing.

Energy level is still the same, and I am still upset or frustrated. I feel like I am in the saddle but sitting the wrong way around.

Talk soon,
Tara

Thanks Zady

Hello Zady,

here's the 2nd update. I have taken Sepia C30 as advised.

- Wednesday directly after having taken Sepia the 2nd time, I fell asleep at around 1am. Earlier than usual.
- Thursday, I was working away, with good concentration. Occasionally, I was drifting off in thoughts but got always back into swing.
- Friday - failed to repeat Thursday. By afternoon, I felt exhausted and took a nap. The sleep felt like a fever, as if I was burning inside. I woke up from my mouth being dry. Since then I have the urge to drink lots of water, often in 2 minute intervals.
Had trouble falling asleep Friday night. I'm drifting off in thoughts. This pattern hasn't changed yet.

In the early morning hours on Saturday, I dreamed about losing my teeth on the upper jar, right hand side. The front tooth was hanging on one string, the rest of the upper gum was all gone. With my teeth in hands on the way to the dentist, I woke up.

- Saturday. Procrastinated. And digested the rejection of an application. Rejection came in on Friday via email but I had tried to trick me on Friday: No internet = no distraction.

- Sunday, I was writing on my private project, but procrastinated everything else, including writing 2 CVs. Didn't leave the house either, despite plans to meet up with friends. Was tired by midnight but found no sleep until 3 or 3:30. I heard already the birds.

- Monday: Having the Monday blues. I would like being full force and optimistic starting a new week but am drained.

I have a break out of pimples on the chin and cheeks.

I still have a sweet tooth for dark chocolate but had more salad and fresh fruit during the last 5 days.

Talk soon, Tara

Thanks Zady. Will do so.

Hopefully my sleeping pattern will change. And with that, everything else will as well.

Hello Zady,

this is my update. As advised I have not taken any medicine.

My sleeping pattern have not yet changed. Wednesday night to Thursday night was especially bad, staying awake until approximately 5am. Thoughts come and go, not all upsetting or sad. But I can't switch off.

Overall feeling: Content.

Procrastination: I followed your trick. I managed to do 2 CVs. But: 1. Now it's time to lose fear and submit them. 2. I am on a work high two days, and then fall back into procrastination.

I drink lots of water and eat mostly water-based foods (i.e. melon, cucumber) No desire to eat cheese with salads. I have chocolate milkshakes though through the day.

I have noticed dry coughing. Thought first it's a cold. Coughing occurs mostly in late evening and early morning hours.

I noticed that I play with a string of my hair, when trying to concentrate or when trying to fall asleep. As if trying to find comfort. I twirl my hair since I'm born but I think I haven't done this so excessively like now.

Monday & Wednesday, I noticed pressure in the upper right gums. It wasn't painful. It was there for 5 minutes, then it was gone.

Talk soon,
Tara
[message edited by Tara2013 on Sat, 06 Jul 2013 20:44:30 BST]