PTSD flashbacks from strangled attack (almost died)

Hi David,

Yes. I would appreciate the help from you. If it is easier I can get the form from you on the forum and send you the email that shows on your profile or just post here on the forum as a reply. Just let me know what the best way for me to proceed is.
Thank you.

GENERAL SYMPTOMS

(Symptoms that don’t fit anywhere else, but are things that tend to affect all of you as a person, but are not emotions or thoughts)
1. Sleep - what position do you tend to sleep in?
I have to ultimately fall asleep lying on my back. Initial I toss and turn to get comfy. I wish I could lie on my side as it is very comforting but I can't fall asleep like this.
- What position can you not sleep in?
I cannot lie on my left side. My left hip hurts. It's like I can feel pressure on the bone of my left hip. Or like the hip is digging into the bed. I cannot sleep on soft beds, only firm beds.
- Do you do anything unusual in your sleep?
I have giggled in bed or made noises almost like murmurs. I know as a kid I went at least 1 time sleep walking and talked to my mom in my sleep. I have to have my whole body covered, especially my feet at night. It is a safety thing. It is if I feel like something can get me if I am left uncovered so the blanket acts like protection to me. I also like to have the door closed again wanting to feel shielded and protected. And have curtains closed if I am sleeping on ground level. With my boyfriend we have to leave the door open at night a cracked because of the cats. I absolutely do not like this and try to put clothing over the door so it blocks view of the hallway. I can wake up in the middle of the night. If I feel anxious I will look at the opening to see if I see something there. There has been times I feel as if something is looking at me and I see shapes and silhouettes which gets me scared thinking somehow someone is in the house. Once I heard noises and the door opened and I thought someone got in and I was freaked out thinking someone broke in. It was just the cat. I have dreams of people chasing me and trying to kill me as well. When I was little. I used to curl up in a ball when I slept. Then when I was a teen I slept on my stomach. Now I sleep on my back. I used to grind my teeth right through high school. Talk in my sleep loud enough my mom could hear some sounds through the wall. More so when I was growing up. Now it is just once in a while.
- Any problems with going to sleep, staying asleep, or waking up?
I am really tired at night but usually by the time I get into bed. I can not get to sleep. My mind is racing and thinking about different things. I used to have a problem where every noise I thought was an intruder in the house. It is like I could hear all the noises including the neighbors as our place is adjacent and connected to other units. I would be afraid for my life and want my boyfriend to check. I was afraid we could get murdered.
I used to urinate multiple times a night. Now it is a little better. But I still get up to go to the bathroom. Later in the evening and when I get up I need the lights very low and noises to a more gentle volume. The lights will irritate my eyes. Sometimes in the morning I would wake up feeling like the light would have my eyes feel like there was sand in them. I have to slowly adjust to the light in the am upon waking. Night or morning upon waking light will feel like it burns my eyes. I also can not stand loud sounds or lights when I have headaches.
I wake up overheated (this also happens in the middle of the night). My mouth feels dry, like I have cottonmouth and have a funny dry taste. I feel dehydrated and weak. When it was really bad, I would not be able to even get out of bed. I needed someone to pour water in my mouth or hold the water for me while I sipped it. This is because I felt debilitated and felt very weak even to move my muscles. It was if I was drained of all energy. Usually I have to put some water on my arms, stomach, legs, neck and face. A few times I needed an entire towel wet and damp put on my body. It was so cold and I hated it but it cooled me down. Normally anytime I have cooled myself off any of these ways. When I returned to bed I needed at least a bed sheet on me (need to be covered- it’s a security thing) I would easily get cold again. And also please note most nights I go to bed cold. I would still wake up a few more times or wake up with the overheating and feeling drained of energy. The hotness was with NO SWEAT. I latterly feel like I am BURNING ON FIRE. Like I am in an oven. And the pain of this weird overheating nightly is unbearable and excruciating pain. When the pain got really bad I felt like I was going to die. I looked up these symptoms (overheating at night), it shows being similar to menopause but there is no sweating. Do women who get menopause have over night heat without sweat? The doctors could never explain this to me. Also any homeopathic dr. could not tell me a remedy that matched this symptom of dry overheating.


2. Appetite - What foods do you crave/desire strongly?
I absolutely love tomatoes (actual tomatoes, ketchup on tons of different foods, pasta sauce) I love pickles. I love mustard and ketchup together. I love chocolate and crave it a lot. I love dairy. I drink lots of water (Can drink an entire glass in one sitting) I love fruits-apples (not green apples), green melon. I crave cheese a lot and ice cream although I moderate how much I have and I usually try to have vegan ice cream and soy milk as an alt. to milk.

- What foods do you hate eating (have an aversion to)?
I do not have an aversion but I eat a vegetarian lifestyle so I do not eat meat or seafood. A really strange thing I have never liked walking through the seafood aisle at the grocery store. The smell disgusts me. Even though I like eggs, sometimes I cannot stand them. I have even made eggs taken one bite and then not eat them. Not sure why I can love them one day and not another day.
I cannot tolerate spicy food. I get a terrible stomachache. If I order Indian food and it has some spice in it, I will get an upset stomach just from putting a bite in my mouth. It makes me irritable and it burns in my mouth. And I absolutely do not like spicy food.
I do not like the orange melon- it grosses me out (my mom is allergic to it) I hate the taste of green peppers (strange enough my mom is allergic) I do not like sour apples like granny smith apples. I do not like brussle sprouts.

- What foods have a negative effect on you or cause symptoms?
I stopped drinking milk as I get phlem in my throat. I do not like this gunky feeling and build up.
Green apples will upset my stomach, any apples will upset my stomach if I already don’t feel good or I am upset. I can not tolerate any spicy food. Sometimes eggs will make me feel nauseous. I cannot eat any sort of apple when I do not feel good. I used to hate if my food got cold as a kid. I am not as bad as I used to be. I can not have coffee what so ever. I used to love coffee. I still love the smell but my stomach gets really acidic and it causes me to have to urinate.

- What foods have a positive effect on you/seem to improve your health or symptoms in some way?
Sometimes having warm soup will make me feel better when I am sick.
Anytime I get low blood sugar any food will help. I crave chocolate and I feel better emotionally and I enjoy comfort foods when I am upset or before my period. I love smoothies. I also love herbal teas.

- What is the effect of hunger or fasting on you?
I have to eat every few hours. I graze a lot because of the low blood sugar. If I go without eating then I can get cranky, agitated, easily irritable, shaky(tingly strange sensation), painful stomach, sometimes feel nauseous or dizzy as well. I have passed out before. But that is also partially due to the fact that I have extremely low blood pressure. And it drops when I go from siting to standing more then most people. I have this tendency to not be hungry when I wake up. Anywhere between ½ to 1hr can go by then all of the sudden the sugar low kicks in/hunger pains and irritability and I feel I must get something to eat asap. It cannot wait. I grab what ever I can to eat quickly. I usually get hungry by 11AM unless someone is with me and gets. It starts with me feeling sort of hungry, achy then I get very touchy/sensitive/argumentative (only with my significant other- I hate anyone else seeing me upset or vulnerable) then I get super week and feel like I am going to pass out on the floor.

3. Thirst - What drinks do you crave/desire strongly?
I absolutely love water. I like to drink it cold. I can drink lots of water at once. All of the time. I also love caffeine free tea. If I could I would drink lots of chai tea, I just love it and I really love the taste of cardamom. I love smoothies. I love hot cocoa in the winter. I love apple cider (hot and cold) I really enjoy orange juice.
- What drinks do you hate to take (are averse to)?
I do not cow’s milk. It gets phlegmy in my throat. And I just feel like it does not settle well.
- When are you most thirsty?
Morning, when it gets dark outside, middle of the night. From walking/hiking… When it is hot out. I get easily dehydrated and have extremely low blood pressure. I can pass out or feel like I am going to black out as well.
- When are you least thirsty?
Around noon.

4. Stool - Do you have any problems with your bowels or passing stool?
Shortly after waking up I am urged out of the bed or anywhere between 1/2hr to 2 hours to pass stool with it being loose and it expelled quickly. My stomach feels awful and I have to evacuate immediately and I run to the bathroom. There was a while where it was really hard to go. I would try to urge hard and nothing came out, as if I was plugged up and it would not release. Actually now that I think of it the diarrhea (not watery but soft) has been happening more in the past few weeks since the anacardium I was prescribed. I seem to now sometimes have more so a problem with softer smelly stools. I did have this before usually the day before or first day or period. I know I was prescribed bolvista to balance my period, which was balanced for 4 months.
I also have smelly flatulence.

- What is the shape, color, and odor of the stool?
In the morning it consists of big logs of light brown diarrhea that forces me at of bed, my stomach and anus area feels very irritable. Dark brown, regular size the rest of the day. There has been some period when first with treatment I used to have a really hard time pooping where I felt like I was trying to force it out. And it would feel like not all of it came out. Or would be plugged up.

5. Urine - Do you have any trouble passing or retaining urine?
Trouble keeping urine. I also urinate when I am anxious or before I leave I feel I have to use the rest room. I urinate a few times a night, which disrupts my sleep cycle. I have had bladder infections (NO PAIN- in passing urine) on and off over several years.
- What is the color, odor of the urine?
Sometimes it smells. Sometimes it is yellow. As I get easily dehydrated.
- Do you have any sediment or debris in the urine?
I have sometimes noticed it being white cloudy amongst the pee and thought that this was strange.

6. Sweat - How do you feel about the amount of perspiration you have?
STRANGE SYMPTOM- Overheating at night with out sweat-like a dry fever- It feels like some terrible fever from a really bad illness that only happens at night (see sleeping section)
- Where do you have the most sweat?
Arm pits only.
- What is the odor?
Onions
- What color does it stain clothing?
None
- Does anything in particular cause you to sweat abnormally?
Wearing too many clothes if I am cold.

7. Sexuality - Any problems with your sexual desire?
I don’t feel that I am as active as I’d like to be because of daily stress.
- Any problems with your sexual ability or function?
In the past I did had problems initiating or maintaining intimacy. When I was younger, my brother’s best friend took advantage of my trust: the first person that I felt I could really trust and come to for support and he violated that trust and molested me. Afterwards, he stalked me and broke into my house… he mentioned that he’d kidnap me and I was afraid for my life. In previous relationships, I was guilted into intimacy or expected to perform when I did not want to as it meant “security” for the other person’s feelings in the relationship. I did realize that one person I was with did rape me because I did not consent to several months of intimacy and would cry during sex, after talking with a therapist. I was also sexually assaulted by an ex boyfriend. When engaging in intimacy, I used to get pain in my vagina where it would close up and be severely painful and I would cry. I would always hide my face and not be able to breathe, hyperventilating and curling up the fetal position. My fiancée has been able to help me overcome these difficulties; I get sensitive once in a while and when I need to stop, he does and I feel safe with him.

- Any history of sexually transmitted diseases?
No
8. Menses (Women)
- How many days is your cycle?
40?
- How many days does the flow go for?
5
- What is the appearance of the flow?
Bright red but there have been times where it’s looked dark and clotty
- What is the odor of the flow?
Like pee and pennies
- What kind of stain does the flow leave?
Dark; maroon
- Any discharge before, during or after?
Sometimes before: sticky, white discharge
- Any pain before, during or after the flow?
There’s always pain the day before or day of, excruciating pains in my lower back, stomach and bowels.
- What symptoms come before the flow?
I get very moody… VERY moody.
- What symptoms come after the flow?
Weepy, emotional, needing blankets or a hot water bottle.

9. Environment – How does the weather affect you?
- How does the temperature affect you?
The cold affects me, and rain when it’s cold. I feel terrible and chilly and sad.
When it’s warm, I feel really happy and love feeling the warmth of the sun on me. I love the summer and try to get out as much as I can. If I plan on going out in the sun, which involves a trip, not just going outside to feel it (I can’t bring myself to step outside the house on my own/it’s very difficult for my fiancée to push me to go outside as well). I feel better when I go out in the sun, both emotionally and physically.
- How does the season affect you?
When it gets to the colder seasons I become sad and withdrawn, not wanting to go outside for a walk or outside at all unless it means going somewhere in the car.
- What physical activities affect you?
Going up stairs can affect me if I go up them too fast; I run out of breath. If I overexert myself I can feel heart palpatations and dizziness.
- Is there anything else in the environment you are sensitive to? I am sensitive to hoarding and cluttered environments because I grew up in a house like that although I do have a tendency to be disorganized myself, making pilesof things around the house and forgetting/avoiding putting things away. But my messes are nothing compared to my parents house; the house used to look like the cases you’d see on the TLC TV Show. The animals used to poop and pee in the house and it smelt bad, and there used to be black mold in the walls. It has affected my sense of smell where I cannot smell cat pee or my own body odor (sweat).

10. Anything else you feel is important that hasn’t been covered by previous questions?

UPDATED!

GENERAL SYMPTOMS

(Symptoms that don’t fit anywhere else, but are things that tend to affect all of you as a person, but are not emotions or thoughts)
1. Sleep - what position do you tend to sleep in?
I have to ultimately fall asleep lying on my back. Initial I toss and turn to get comfy. I wish I could lie on my side as it is very comforting but I can't fall asleep like this.
- What position can you not sleep in?
I cannot lie on my left side. My left hip hurts. It's like I can feel pressure on the bone of my left hip. Or like the hip is digging into the bed. I cannot sleep on soft beds, only firm beds.
- Do you do anything unusual in your sleep?
I have giggled in bed or made noises almost like murmurs. I know as a kid I went at least 1 time sleep walking and talked to my mom in my sleep. I have to have my whole body covered, especially my feet at night. It is a safety thing. It is if I feel like something can get me if I am left uncovered so the blanket acts like protection to me. I also like to have the door closed again wanting to feel shielded and protected. And have curtains closed if I am sleeping on ground level. With my fiancé we have to leave the door open at night a cracked because of the cats. I absolutely do not like this and try to put clothing over the door so it blocks view of the hallway. I can wake up in the middle of the night. If I feel anxious I will look at the opening to see if I see something there. There has been times I feel as if something is looking at me and I see shapes and silhouettes which gets me scared thinking somehow someone is in the house. Once I heard noises and the door opened and I thought someone got in and I was freaked out thinking someone broke in. It was just the cat. I have dreams of people chasing me and trying to kill me as well. When I was little. I used to curl up in a ball when I slept. Then when I was a teen I slept on my stomach. Now I sleep on my back. I used to grind my teeth right through high school. Talk in my sleep loud enough my mom could hear some sounds through the wall. More so when I was growing up. Now it is just once in a while.
- Any problems with going to sleep, staying asleep, or waking up?
I am really tired at night but usually by the time I get into bed. I can not get to sleep. My mind is racing and thinking about different things. I used to have a problem where every noise I thought was an intruder in the house. It is like I could hear all the noises including the neighbors as our place is adjacent and connected to other units. I would be afraid for my life and want my fiancé to check. I was afraid we could get murdered.
I used to urinate multiple times a night. Now it is a little better. But I still get up to go to the bathroom. Later in the evening and when I get up I need the lights very low and noises to a more gentle volume. The lights will irritate my eyes. Sometimes in the morning I would wake up feeling like the light would have my eyes feel like there was sand in them. I have to slowly adjust to the light in the am upon waking. Night or morning upon waking light will feel like it burns my eyes. I also can not stand loud sounds or lights when I have headaches.
I wake up overheated (this also happens in the middle of the night). My mouth feels dry, like I have cottonmouth and have a funny dry taste. I feel dehydrated and weak. When it was really bad, I would not be able to even get out of bed. I needed someone to pour water in my mouth or hold the water for me while I sipped it. This is because I felt debilitated and felt very weak even to move my muscles. It was if I was drained of all energy. Usually I have to put some water on my arms, stomach, legs, neck and face. A few times I needed an entire towel wet and damp put on my body. It was so cold and I hated it but it cooled me down. Normally anytime I have cooled myself off any of these ways. When I returned to bed I needed at least a bed sheet on me (need to be covered- it’s a security thing) I would easily get cold again. And also please note most nights I go to bed cold. I would still wake up a few more times or wake up with the overheating and feeling drained of energy. The hotness was with NO SWEAT. I latterly feel like I am BURNING ON FIRE. Like I am in an oven. And the pain of this weird overheating nightly is unbearable and excruciating pain. When the pain got really bad I felt like I was going to die. I looked up these symptoms (overheating at night), it shows being similar to menopause but there is no sweating. Do women who get menopause have over night heat without sweat? The doctors could never explain this to me. Also any homeopathic dr. could not tell me a remedy that matched this symptom of dry overheating.


2. Appetite - What foods do you crave/desire strongly?
I absolutely love tomatoes (actual tomatoes, ketchup on tons of different foods, pasta sauce) I love pickles. I love mustard and ketchup together. I love chocolate and crave it a lot. I love dairy. I drink lots of water (Can drink an entire glass in one sitting) I love fruits-apples (not green apples), green melon. I crave cheese a lot and ice cream although I moderate how much I have and I usually try to have vegan ice cream and soy milk as an alt. to milk.

- What foods do you hate eating (have an aversion to)?
I do not have an aversion but I eat a vegetarian lifestyle so I do not eat meat or seafood. A really strange thing I have never liked walking through the seafood aisle at the grocery store. The smell disgusts me. Even though I like eggs, sometimes I cannot stand them. I have even made eggs taken one bite and then not eat them. Not sure why I can love them one day and not another day.
I cannot tolerate spicy food. I get a terrible stomachache. If I order Indian food and it has some spice in it, I will get an upset stomach just from putting a bite in my mouth. It makes me irritable and it burns in my mouth. And I absolutely do not like spicy food.
I do not like the orange melon- it grosses me out (my mom is allergic to it) I hate the taste of green peppers (strange enough my mom is allergic) I do not like sour apples like granny smith apples. I do not like brussle sprouts.

- What foods have a negative effect on you or cause symptoms?
NEW: FORGOT TO MENTION!!!- I hate the smell of seafood. I grew up loving fish, never liked the consistency of oysters, clams, lobsters, crab etc. Later on I liked crabs and lobster. But even when I ate fish I have always been disguisted by the smell of the seafood market area. It makes me want to vomit, smells putrid and wretched.
I stopped drinking milk as I get phlem in my throat. I do not like this gunky feeling and build up.
Green apples will upset my stomach, any apples will upset my stomach if I already don’t feel good or I am upset. I can not tolerate any spicy food. Sometimes eggs will make me feel nauseous. I cannot eat any sort of apple when I do not feel good. I used to hate if my food got cold as a kid. I am not as bad as I used to be. I can not have coffee what so ever. I used to love coffee. I still love the smell but my stomach gets really acidic and it causes me to have to urinate.

- What foods have a positive effect on you/seem to improve your health or symptoms in some way?
Sometimes having warm soup will make me feel better when I am sick.
Anytime I get low blood sugar any food will help. I crave chocolate and I feel better emotionally and I enjoy comfort foods when I am upset or before my period. I love smoothies. I also love herbal teas.

- What is the effect of hunger or fasting on you?
I have to eat every few hours. I graze a lot because of the low blood sugar. If I go without eating then I can get cranky, agitated, easily irritable, shaky(tingly strange sensation), painful stomach, sometimes feel nauseous or dizzy as well. I have passed out before. But that is also partially due to the fact that I have extremely low blood pressure. And it drops when I go from siting to standing more then most people. I have this tendency to not be hungry when I wake up. Anywhere between ½ to 1hr can go by then all of the sudden the sugar low kicks in/hunger pains and irritability and I feel I must get something to eat asap. It cannot wait. I grab what ever I can to eat quickly. I usually get hungry by 11AM unless someone is with me and gets. It starts with me feeling sort of hungry, achy then I get very touchy/sensitive/argumentative (only with my significant other- I hate anyone else seeing me upset or vulnerable) then I get super week and feel like I am going to pass out on the floor.

3. Thirst - What drinks do you crave/desire strongly?
I absolutely love water. I like to drink it cold. I can drink lots of water at once. All of the time. I also love caffeine free tea. If I could I would drink lots of chai tea, I just love it and I really love the taste of cardamom. I love smoothies. I love hot cocoa in the winter. I love apple cider (hot and cold) I really enjoy orange juice.
- What drinks do you hate to take (are averse to)?
I do not cow’s milk. It gets phlegmy in my throat. And I just feel like it does not settle well.
- When are you most thirsty?
Morning, when it gets dark outside, middle of the night. From walking/hiking… When it is hot out. I get easily dehydrated and have extremely low blood pressure. I can pass out or feel like I am going to black out as well.
- When are you least thirsty?
Around noon.

4. Stool - Do you have any problems with your bowels or passing stool?
Shortly after waking up I am urged out of the bed or anywhere between 1/2hr to 2 hours to pass stool with it being loose and it expelled quickly. My stomach feels awful and I have to evacuate immediately and I run to the bathroom. There was a while where it was really hard to go. I would try to urge hard and nothing came out, as if I was plugged up and it would not release. Actually now that I think of it the diarrhea (not watery but soft) has been happening more in the past few weeks since the anacardium I was prescribed. I seem to now sometimes have more so a problem with softer smelly stools. I did have this before usually the day before or first day or period. I know I was prescribed bolvista to balance my period, which was balanced for 4 months.
I also have smelly flatulence.

- What is the shape, color, and odor of the stool?
In the morning it consists of big logs of light brown diarrhea that forces me at of bed, my stomach and anus area feels very irritable. Dark brown, regular size the rest of the day. There has been some period when first with treatment I used to have a really hard time pooping where I felt like I was trying to force it out. And it would feel like not all of it came out. Or would be plugged up.

5. Urine - Do you have any trouble passing or retaining urine?
Trouble keeping urine. I also urinate when I am anxious or before I leave I feel I have to use the rest room. I urinate a few times a night, which disrupts my sleep cycle. I have had bladder infections (NO PAIN- in passing urine) on and off over several years.
- What is the color, odor of the urine?
Sometimes it smells. Sometimes it is yellow. As I get easily dehydrated.
- Do you have any sediment or debris in the urine?
I have sometimes noticed it being white cloudy amongst the pee and thought that this was strange.

6. Sweat - How do you feel about the amount of perspiration you have?
STRANGE SYMPTOM- Overheating at night with out sweat-like a dry fever- It feels like some terrible fever from a really bad illness that only happens at night (see sleeping section)
- Where do you have the most sweat?
Arm pits only.
- What is the odor?
Onions
- What color does it stain clothing?
None
- Does anything in particular cause you to sweat abnormally?
Wearing too many clothes if I am cold or just because I want to feel warm.

7. Sexuality - Any problems with your sexual desire?
I don’t feel that I am as active as I’d like to be because of daily stress.
- Any problems with your sexual ability or function?
In the past I did had problems initiating or maintaining intimacy. When I was younger, my brother’s best friend took advantage of my trust: the first person that I felt I could really trust and come to for support and he violated that trust and molested me. Afterwards, he stalked me and broke into my house… he mentioned that he’d kidnap me and I was afraid for my life. In previous relationships, I was guilted into intimacy or expected to perform when I did not want to as it meant “security” for the other person’s feelings in the relationship. I did realize that one person I was with did rape me because I did not consent to several months of intimacy and would cry during sex, after talking with a therapist. I was also sexually assaulted by an ex boy
friend. When engaging in intimacy, I used to get pain in my vagina where it would close up and be severely painful and I would cry. I would always hide my face and not be able to breathe, hyperventilating and curling up the fetal position. My fiancée has been able to help me overcome these difficulties; I get sensitive once in a while and when I need to stop, he does and I feel safe with him.

- Any history of sexually transmitted diseases?
No
8. Menses (Women)
- How many days is your cycle?
40?
- How many days does the flow go for?
5
- What is the appearance of the flow?
Bright red but there have been times where it’s looked dark and clotty
- What is the odor of the flow?
Like pee and pennies
- What kind of stain does the flow leave?
Dark; maroon
- Any discharge before, during or after?
Sometimes before: sticky, white discharge
- Any pain before, during or after the flow?
There’s always pain the day before or day of, excruciating pains in my lower back, stomach and bowels.
- What symptoms come before the flow?
I get very moody… VERY moody.
- What symptoms come after the flow?
Weepy, emotional, needing blankets or a hot water bottle.

9. Environment – How does the weather affect you?
- How does the temperature affect you?
The cold affects me, and rain when it’s cold. I feel terrible and chilly and sad.
When it’s warm, I feel really happy and love feeling the warmth of the sun on me. I love the summer and try to get out as much as I can. If I plan on going out in the sun, which involves a trip, not just going outside to feel it (I can’t bring myself to step outside the house on my own/it’s very difficult for my fiancée to push me to go outside as well, although it’s easier for friends to get me outside). I feel better when I go out in the sun, both emotionally and physically.
- How does the season affect you?
When it gets to the colder seasons I become sad and withdrawn, not wanting to go outside for a walk or outside at all unless it means going somewhere in the car.
- What physical activities affect you?
Going up stairs can affect me if I go up them too fast; I run out of breath. If I overexert myself I can feel heart palpatations and dizziness.
- Is there anything else in the environment you are sensitive to? I am sensitive to hoarding and cluttered environments because I grew up in a house like that although I do have a tendency to be disorganized myself, making pilesof things around the house and forgetting/avoiding putting things away. But my messes are nothing compared to my parents house; the house used to look like the cases you’d see on the TLC TV Show. The animals used to poop and pee in the house and it smelt bad, and there used to be black mold in the walls. It has affected my sense of smell where I cannot smell cat pee or my own body odor (sweat).

10. Anything else you feel is important that hasn’t been covered by previous questions?







Re: PTSD flashbacks from strangled attack (almost died)
FromEvocationer
on 2014-10-14








HOW TO DESCRIBE YOUR COMPLAINTS (Physical Components)

In homoeopathy, prescription is based on precise details of various symptoms from which you suffer. To tell or write to a homoeopathic physician 'I have a headache ', ' an eruption ' or “a cough” would not be enough. If you inform him 'I have headache with sharp shooting pains in the left side of the head and temple, these pains always come on when the slightest cold air strikes the head. I feel better by pressing the head very hard.” Then only you have given all the information required for making a good homoeopathic prescription. The success of the prescription depends; largely on how detailed your description of the symptoms is.
We require the following details about your symptoms.

LOCATION: Please give the exact location of sensation, pain or other symptom. Also describe where the pain or sensation or symptom spreads.

SENSATION: Express the type of sensation or the pain or other symptom that you get in your own words however simple or funny it may seem. You may have a sensation that a mouse is crawling or the heart was grasped by an iron hand or you may have a pain that is cutting, burning jerking, pressing. Express the sensation or pain as it feels to you. Try to explain the whole sensation in the exact way it is happening and not just the word. We need to understand the whole process of the sensation as it is happening to you.

WHAT MAKES YOU WORSE OR BETTER:

Many factors are likely to influence your complaint. Some factors may intensify it and some factors may relieve the trouble. A detailed list of the factors is given at the end. Please refer it while describing each of your troubles and indicate which factors make the complaint better or worse.

DISCHARGES: You may have a discharge from nose, ears, mouth, eyes, ulcers, fistula, eruptions on skin, private parts, etc. Please describe your discharge in detail including color, consistency, appearance, odor etc.

1] Your Complaint:

(Use your own words as far as possible, but if you have recognized or diagnosed the condition, give this information also.) By answering as many of these questions as fully as possible, you are helping me to understand what your body and unconscious mind is conveying. This can help me find a remedy for you.)
• What is the name of your complaint?
• When did the complaint begin?
• Where is it located?
• What sort of sensations (or emotions) do you associate with it? Sensation may or may not be painful
• Does anything make it better or worse?
• How does it bother you? How does it affect your day-to-day life?
• How does it feel like to have this/these problem/s? What are your feelings about being a person with this kind of complaint
• Did any event happen which caused the complaint? Describe the emotion associated with it.
• What are the other symptoms started with it, esp. mental and physical symptoms, which are not directly related to the main complaint.
• What are your reactions to it? How do you manage it?
When does it tend to occur?(time/day/other event)

Left hip pain time it began I know it only happens at night if I live my left hip and there’s pain the only thing that makes it but feel better is to not lie my left hip. I have taken rus tux before for the paint at temporarily has relieved that my doctor says that it is probably inflammation of the left hip.
Overheating at night when I go to bed I am always cold and I put on one blankets to keep Nicole in the middle the night I wake up overheated it feels like a burning sensation as if I am on fire the only way to relieve the symptoms is to get up and put some water on my skin. I will also drink water there is been times where I’ve drinking a lot of water and drink a whole entire bottle water and sometimes I can only drink sips. This overheating has happened for the last several years I’m not sure what started the overheating at night sometimes during the year is better than other times during the year. The worst time that I ever experience I had to put entire what towel I need to cool off there’s also been times where I have been able unable to drink water or and then need assistance to set the water and help hold my head up or need assistance with my partner getting a wet cloth to wipe me down to cool me off because I am really out of it and very dilapidated and dehydrated. After I cooled down I’m extremely cold again and give the covers on me there is no sweat it it’s completely dry heat again I feel like there’s a presentation all over me. It’s almost as if I had been burned at the stake or somehow I am in a fire that’s how bad it feels but I’ve never been in a fire before. Sometimes I can wake up a couple times night and had this happen also want to get up in the morning I feel like this interferes with me and being able to have a restful sleep.
Trouble getting up in the morning I have always had trouble getting up the morning since young age if my body wanted to I would probably sleep until 10:11 AM I wake up feeling very groggy very eatable and the sunlight always bothers my eyes sometimes I feel like a sand in my eyes I also have trouble being able to get sleep at night. I will feel very exhausted but it’s very hard for me to actually get myself to bed since I look at the second Lynn are usually I do get second wind and as soon as my head hits the pillow I’m unable to sleep for quite a while. I have also had trouble with scary nightmares that it frightened me that felt very real being chased by others I’ve been in a car that that went that was out-of-control I’ve had experiences with tornadoes fires murders. I remember one dream as a kid of a whole bunch of bodies being buried in the backyard and being very afraid.
Fear of robbers in the house. This is happened for the last three or four years ever since I was a text from my brother sometimes I feel like I see faces in the shadows I hear things that I think are somebody that somebody is in the house. Like I hear everything in the house I can feel the movement it’s like a whole body sensation. I’ve always been ever hear everything ever since little kid it’s like I can hear the cars outside all the noises that neighbors I hear everything and it keeps me up eventually able to get the sleep probably out of pure exhaustion. Over the last few months it’s been better than I’ve been able to get the sleep since I was given an extremely high dose of stramonium Before I had taken aconite and that seemed to help me help me most with a lot of fears and anxieties. Even though it helped me to sleep at night because it was such a high dose brought up a lot of deep-seated anger and issues that I had to be able to workout the summer. It was a very scary time for me because all this anger that I had not dealt with came up and because I was feeling threatened by my fiancé’s female friend I was very emotional and became inwardly destructive emotionally.
When I sneeze my whole body sneezes too. Like my head goes and body throws its self forward and sometimes I even pick up a foot and then slam it back on the ground. I guess you could say my sneezes are powerful.
I have an issue with phlem in the back of my throat. That is why I try to stay away from dairy even though I like it, I am more sensitive to cow’s milk then cheese. I dont like the white phlem in my throat and it happens more with milk. I have switched over to soy milk though I am concerned I am eating too much soy (I eat vegetarian) and I have hormonal imbalances (PMS, Dry Overheating at Night Only in the bed, but otherwise always cold, irregular periods and menstrual cramping)
Not sure if it helps but I was suicidal this summer I did go to the hospital, they did not admit me but I did go to see a therapist for awhile. It is interesting to note when I took this Timonium it happened right before the incident happened with my fiancé's female friend because of the fact that all this anger came up and a part of me that felt like a fighter in me came through instead of the usual running coward and hideaway I faced this female and was very committed to making sure that she did not ruin my life or take my partner away. I felt like such an angry woman. Someone that had experienced so many occasions or every kind of form of abuse there is. And so all this energy of hate and anger I had toward these others that I could never really express came up with her. I think I had exhausted myself and because my fiancé could not see through her sly manipulation I started to go in a downward spiral. He thought I was being over worried. And I felt heart broken because it felt like he did not trust me. She did not let us talk to her fiancé and she almost seemed like she was making up the guy. My friends and family were on my side with this that there was something not right with this girl. He thought I did not trust his judgement. But I did. I tore me up inside. We fought for a few months. He slowly talked to her less and less. Till she she made sexual comments and I told him I wanted them to talk on the phone while I was in the room. She showed her true colors and told him she was going to act however she wanted. He said she was not considering our needs and she said “what about mine!” He hung up on her and told her he was not going to talk for a long time. It is so much to explain via message format. But it took me a while for me to see that he did love me. And he had a hard time being resistant because of his past experience with controlling people in his life forcing him to give up friends and family. But it took me long to feel safe again. I lost my sanity because I thought I was going to loose the only good solid thing I had in a long time. Even though my sleep was better my ptsd got worse.

Ptsd attacks- fear of people coming to get me. If I have an anxiety attack I want to be left alone. I do not like if people come near me. It’s almost as if I feel that they might get me. I used to feel like someone was following me and that my back was not protected. My fiance was around for a lot of the ptsd attacks. And really it is almost as if I feel like I am getting attacked or I am being persecuted. In the past I would never protect myself. But this last year I will want to lash out or hit out of defense. Mostly I get angry and am mean. I might run away into a bathroom, mostly like the light off or low. And want to sit on the floor. I dont want to be touched or approached. I feel like I am being hunted down and I must protect myself. I feel like I am being yelled at even though it is not the case and things my partner says I take it that he is angry with me when in fact he is not. So I yell and say things like get away from me or I do not care what happens. One time my partner held me thinking that this would calm me down(if I cry the pressure and being held helps) but it does not when I have anxiety because I feel like I am being trapped and I can not escape. When he held me during a really bad anxiety attack I was struggling to get out of his arms and telling him I am going to call the cops, I even bit his arm. I definitely felt like I was reliving my brother’s attack and this time I had acted like I would have liked to have acted when my brother had attacked me. It is almost as any touch will become physically violent and I even would watch people if I have anxiety. Even noises and people opening a door can startle me even if I am not anxious.
If I am feeling sad though I want to be held, cuddled, wrapped in blankets. I feel sad and depressed from the cold. I crave the warmth. Even as a kid I loved curling up in a ball. I think it is that desire for safety, nourishment and love that one feels in the womb of their mother. As a child I felt as I was possibly adopted. I felt like I was an orphan. I did not feel like I was a part of my family. I felt neglected by my family. They were all irresponsible. My dad lazy-did not clean after himself. My brother ruined a lot of stuff in the house, or sell stuff/take stuff and claimed it for himself. My mom selfish as well. I just wanted my parents to be responsible like pay for the bills. I also felt abandoned again after my brother attacked me and my parents were more concerned with my brother because they did not want him to go to jail then my wellbeing. I went south for a while then when I was going to move back to my parents they said my brother was living with them. I had no place to go and had to live with an abusive controlling ex for 3 months, where we moved from place to place till I had a place I could stay with and came back up north. Over time I saw my brother. I was afraid but he was actually afraid of me, maybe he thought I would yell at him. He would avoid me. Our cousin’s husband passed away a few months after being back living with my parents. I told my brother I missed him. I cried, we hugged. My mom said that he was able to get anger management and was a lot more in control of his emotions. ( I used to be afraid of others and my own anger-especially expressing it and fear of confrontation) Eventually I saw my brother and nephew for my birthday, nephew’s birthday and brother/mom/dad’s birthday 2 years later. I was most happy to see my nephew. My brother’s girlfriend hates me and blames me even though I almost die. I think she was also jealous of me and my nephew’s close bond. My nephew is 7. We really love each other almost like a mother/son dynamic. I know I will be a great mom. We love dancing together, playing, exploring making crafts etc. I was much more involved in my nephew’s life and more nourishing/loving towards him then his mom. I would take him on walks, play outside, go to the beach, museum etc. I would put him to bed and read him bedtime stories. My brother, girlfriend and nephew lived with me and my ex for a while. He would curl up with me on the couch. I protected him and took him to safety when my brother and his girlfriend would fight and break things. His mom would threw him in front of the tv/close off to him almost cold to him. It was almost as she was cold and rejected him. But I have always acted more like a mom. She has try to keep him away from me and deny him seeing me but my nephew always tells my parents that he misses me and loves me and even said one time that he wish he could live with me again. I feel sad because I miss my nephew the most. And I only see my parents on the holidays and sometimes get to talk to my brother and nephew on the holidays. My nephew and me light up when we see each other. We laugh and sing and he wants to sit next to me. I really love my nephew.
Low Blood Pressure / Hypo tension I have extremely low blood pressure. And it drops if I go from sitting to standing a lot (I guess it means that the blood pools to the lower portion to my body) Sometimes I can feel like I am going to fall down stairs when I go upstairs. I have learned to pace myself. Usually laying on the ground or at least sitting down prefer the ground helps me feel better. Including in this was dizzy spells where I started to black out. Hot baths and hot showers which I love- only aggrevate the low blood pressure if I can already tell that I have low blood pressure(light headed, out of it) If I try to go up stairs or a hill quickly then I can feel out of breathe, light headed and dizzy and my heart will be racing really fast and pulsating hard. Postural Hypotension is what it is called. Combined with the heart issues they say I have Postural Orthostatic Techacardia Syndrome. Which really does not say what I have because there is an underlying cause to this issue. But those symptoms match me. Also my dr. told me that I needed more salt because of the low blood pressure and I try to take electrolytes and drink lots of water to prevent from dehydration which prevents the low blood pressure issues from getting worse.
Heart issues/tachacardia I feel like there is something wrong with my heart. I have even gone to the hospital because of the pains in my heart because they were so bad I thought I was having a heart attack. Sometimes when my heart races I can even hear the heart beat of my heart. It feels like it might explode or held tightly. Always a huge fear and sense of panic. Even as a kid I would get the racing heart and light headedness. The only thing that makes me feel better with the heart issues it to sit on the ground with back against something. I hold my knees to chest with feet planted firmly on the ground. And I hold my knees with my arms wrapped around them and my head down with forhead on knees. I think that I really did not have much problems with my heart other then if I ran I would get the scary heavy pulsatating and fast heart beat until the dr put me on adderal for adhd. It was better then the ritalin that I took when I was younger (which really ruined my child hood as I was like a zombie, almost in a daze at school so left me vulnerable to kids picking on me and not being able to develop my social skills and then when I got home I was hyper and felt more social. When I switched to adderal I actually was more socialable in 6th grade but then kids thought I was fake because I was never talkitive when I was younger. Over time I had developed issues with the heart as mentioned previously. The drs. attributed it to the adderal. Adderal has been known to cause heart problems in younger people. I also had a few weeks of full body seizures. But they stopped. I do not remember much of it other then it probably happening later at the end of school day. My boyfriend one time had to lift my body and ran me down to the nurse’s office.
Eye twitching I think it is usually only the left eye. Nothing makes it feel better.
Styes in both eye lids. I did have one that was very bothered that would not go away with meds and so they cut it open and let the pus or goo or what not come out of it. They do not bother me so I just leave them alone.
Wart on right toe of right foot around age 19. I cut it off. I thought it was annoying and ugly. I did not care if it bled I just wanted it GONE. And I succeeded in getting rid of it. :) I actually hate acne and warts and any bumps on the skin. I pick at acne and I used to always pick at scabs and the ingrown hairs on my leg. I do think this is a nervous tick of picking my face. I have acne mostly on my cheeks and chin. 2 or 3 little pimples on forehead. I would say that my face is greasy though.
Ring worm around the age of 16. I think I got it from a tanning bed. My mom used to have me go to the tanning beds. And forced/pressured me into beauty pageant and cheerleading. Which of course I thought was pointless because even though I was pretty we did not have a lot of money to go all out. My mom I think wanted to live out her dreams through me because she is overweight. Size 3x. I am small in size.
Cervical Cance r Shot Bad Effects 17. It was in my arm. I felt very sick from it.
Low Blood Sugar- When I get low blood sugar, light headed, anxious, sometimes I get jittery. Less focused. I can feel like I am going to pass out. Sometimes get almost an empty feeling in my stomach. Then my appetite is ravenous and I am very hungry and thirsty. I have to stay on schedule and eat every few hours and have water out. Sometimes I forget to eat or drink water.
Ocd- Diagnosed at around age 12. I was very upset that they said I had this. I really have mostly the issue of obsessing about issues in my head, worries if others are mad at me. Opening and starting a lot of things/tasks and not finishing them. If I am researching I am very obsessive like I am writing a paper or reading I do not want to miss anything. I feel like I am going to miss out on something. I feel like I had to grow up fast and missed out on a lot in my life so I want to explore everything and get afraid of missing out on life. But then again I get afraid sometimes. I get afraid of rejection as well.
Adhd- Inability to focus and stay on track. I have a hard time finishing projects. I love reading all of the time. But I procrastinate to get things down. Very disorganized. I think partially is that I love traveling and adventure and so my mind goes from one interesting thing to another. If I could travel all of the time I would. I can also get bored. I used to get bored when I first met my fiance which is introvert when I am more outgoing/extrovert. We did not go many places so I traveled on 2 different occasions and felt so great. I was away for a week. He was depressed. I missed him but did not let it get to me. I was off on adventures, checking new sites, exploring. Hanging out with people everyday and making lots of plans to fill up my day. It was the best. I think I feel at my ultimate best when I travel. Sometimes I feel anxiety before I leave if I go by myself but I think part nervous about getting there and getting back. Once I get those details figured out I am more excited then everything. It is almost as all of my problems go away. And I feel absolutely free. I love not being tied down. I think that was part of my problem with relationships is I never liked if my freedom was suppressed whether they were controlling people or my fiance who gets very anxious and it very A-Z, and wants all the details to be figured out vs me which I am a very spontaneous person. I am appreciative that he has taught me about planning things out, going more inward etc so I am more balanced. But I get fueled most by being around people and being in community. Where everyone helps one another, and likes to have fun, cook, make art, garden, talk about philosophy and how to make the world a better place.
Depression- I know my depression has varied along the way but recently I have not been as motivated to make art and hang out with people and now that it is colder it is even harder. I think partially with my progress with the homeopathy I do not have the extremes that I experienced before panic attacks etc but currently it is like I feel apathetic and lonely sad when I am alone at home. I do not feel motivated to do anything. I mean right now I feel calmer over all. I would love to get back into making art on my own, I desire to be more more independent and self initiate doing things on my own. But I used to dance(danced for 10 years/was part of musicals etc), exercise, go outdoors, go swim in the ocean etc. I feel better when my fiance is around, with friends and family or at work(which I love because I get to help people out and talk, my boss and me talk about humanitarian issues/philosophy-I have done a lot of volunteer work in my life) And since I do not live in a community anymore(eco-friendly, lots of local arts, local farmers market, natural/organic food shops, natural restaurants/bakeries/tea shops, yoga studio/community centers) it is harder for me to make friends and be a part of community. The closest 2 groups of friends I have both live an hour away. And most ways to be a part of community in my surrounding cities is to join a yoga studio but many of them are expansive) And the few yoga studios I was teaching at turned bad because of different reasons.
Cyst where my bikini line was 13. It was really big and needed to use a needle to pop it and a lot of white stuff came out. It was very painful.
Inconsistent periods or missed periods. I think whenever I have been stressed I could go up to 2 ½ months with out period. It always scares and makes me feel uncomfortable because I get afraid I could be pregnant and I am not ready to be pregnant. I know a part of me would want abortion because I would be afraid that I am not ready emotionally or financially to raise a child with my partner. But I feel bad about this because I know my mom was upset and angry when she found out she was pregnant with me, maybe because of money. I would never dare ask her as I am sure she would flip out saying how dare I accuse her and then she would yell as my dad. She is always right in her eyes, a victim but yet she is very manipulative. I would never want to put my child through this to be in the womb and feel the same rejection I felt from my mother. On a side note my mom was induced labor because she was3 or 4 weeks late for her due date with me. I came out an hour later. The only issue was they gave her an epidermal to help her I think with contractions or pain? And my heart started racing so they stopped it. So I am sure this has had some impact as I was coming out of the womb my heart was racing and I am sure that was scary for me as a baby coming into the world. I honestly wish I could re-do my birth so it could have been a loving pregnancy and birth.
PMS- I get very angry and irritated and moody the week before my period almost as if I am just going to give up on life, what’s the point of trying etc. very pestimistic. Once my period starts I might feel weepy and want lots of affection.
Menstral cramping- It will happen several hours up to a day before I start and usually will continue 1st to 2nd day of period. Although recently my periods have been very short and light.
Dehydration- I can get very dehydrated. I feel like I am dried up, light headed, feel spacy and out of it. It is like I can not think at all. Hard to communicate. Water is the obvious solution to this issue. It is worse in summer and runs concurrent with the overheating at night but that is specifically with the sensation that I am burning and feel like I am on fire with complete dryness. No homeopathic dr has been able to tell me any remedy that would match this symptom which does not make sense because it does seem to be an unusual symptom for a 26 year old.
Last summer dizzy spells and nausea- Dizzy spell, It lasted about 15 minutes at a time 1-2x a week. I would feel nausea and exhausted everyday and lost out on most of my summer. There was even times that I would black out/pass out. Everything would start fading into black. Actually now that I think about it started the X-Mass before but was just a random thing. It started after I was teaching yoga at different studios and they were really mean and superficial and felt threatened by my authenticity and kindness. I seem to have a tendency/trend to work at places or have friendships etc. where people can outcast me and take out their aggressions on me or feel threatened by me so want to ruin my reputation or make me look bad. Maybe that is because I grew up taking the blame for not being to fix my family. Or for all the kids that picked on me as I grew up that teased me and always made me sit alone.
NEW: FORGOT TO MENTION!!!- I hate the smell of seafood. I grew up loving fish, never liked the consistency of oysters, clams, lobsters, crab etc. Later on I liked crabs and lobster. But even when I ate fish I have always been disguisted by the smell of the seafood market area. It makes me want to vomit, smells putrid and wretched. I also love tomatoes. I could eat tomatoes, ketchup sauce 1 to 2x a day. I also love chocolate and eat it everyday but try to control how much I eat and will make a smoothie or chocolate milk with just cocoa(no sugar) and soy milk because I do not want to get fat!
Self image issues. Started when I was a teen. My mom was pressuring me into modeling etc. if she had started me younger it may have been different as I was more confident. But since kids picked on me I was very insecure. My mom a few times when she used to be really mean and cruel would buy me clothes that were too big on me and say I looked fat in the clothes even though I was not fat. I used to eat my food and spit it back up after that. Anything that was fattening I would chew it and spit it up in the garbage. I have barely told anyone that. I also got into counting all of my calories and obsessing about exercising etc. Then I got really burnt out (adrenal exhaustion) where I would sleep most of the day for months. I realized it was unhealthy after I got sick. I got into more natural foods. But still have insecurities. Sometimes still thinking I am fat or will get fat like my mom. I am 110LBS and 5’4” which should be good enough but I wish I was skinnier with muscle over fat. But I am too unmotivated to work out.
I have a fear of rejection/abandonement. I have trust issues with others mostyl family/friends. I want to be accepted and a part of my family and part of a group of people. I do not like people or animals being abused. I get afraid that others will take advantage of me. I used to be to kind and naive and people hurt me, abused me, took out their anger on me. I would trust people I should not trust and be afraid of trusting those I should be trusting. This probably comes from my experience of my brother’s best friend molesting me. The first person I ever trusted and he took advantage of me. Staphasagria did nothing to help. Stramonium did however help.
Bad sense of time- I always think time passes more slowly then it really does. I am often late to places. I get anxiety leaving the house. Arg. Nitricum did not help me. My life would be easier if I did not have schedules. I like the jobs I have had where I can pick out the hours I work.
PLEASE ANSWER THESE QUESTIONS FOR EACH SYMPTOM/COMPLAINT SEPARATELY. DO NOT INCLUDE ALL OF YOUR COMPLAINTS TOGETHER IN EACH QUESTION eg. all questions answered for Leg Pain, then same questions answered for Migraines, then same questions answered for Panic attacks etc.



Report post to moderator

ALSO I am working on the mentals. I had it finished but my computer lost the file. I was really upset as it is a lot easier talking about it then writing it. I keep putting it off because it is really hard for me emotionally. And it is really taxing for me.

MENTAL AND EMOTIONAL DESCRIPTION



(Please spend the most time on this section and give DETAILED answers - the homoeopathic remedy is very often decided on the basis of the mental and emotional state of the patient !)


1. What are the issues in your life that bother you the most. Not physical issues but mental or emotional ones. List each one separately and describe why each one bothers you so much.

2. What emotions are the most troublesome for you? What situations provoke these emotions. How do these emotions make you act? Do you feel any ill effects from expressing or not expressing these emotions.

3. What incidents in your life have had a deep impact on you? Describe each incident in detail and how they made you feel? What did you do in those situations? What effect have they had on your life?

4. What are you afraid of? Especially important are phobias, but it might be objects, situations or events that just produce a high level of anxiety. How do you manage your fears? How do you react when confronted with these fears? What would be the worst situation for you to be put in that would provoke these fears? You may need to talk about each fear/anxiety separately.

5. What hobbies do you have? Why do you like each of these activities?
Dancing-free expression, I love being moved by the music and being creative with my body, I also love dancing with others. It so much fun!!! I also love the chance to freely express my heart and soul. I come alive with music and dancing to the music.
Making art- When I do make art, I feel accomplished and creative and it is really fun. I love the colors I get to create.
Swimming- to be free in the ocean/pool(as long as it is warm enough to swim) I feel free and love floating along and playing in the ocean or on the beach.
I love biking in nice weather and the feeling of freedom and wind and movement.
I love walking outdoors and being in nature or walking/hiking trails. I really do feel good when I move or travel. It lifts me up so much. I love seeing and hearing the wild life and getting out in the fresh air. And if the ground is nice enough to take my shoes off and walk barefoot( I also love walking barefoot on sand-really anywhere I can do it)
I love spending time with friends and family. Playing games and potlucks and such. I love the social interaction and just playing and laughing and smiling.
6. Do you have any persistent thoughts, ideas or beliefs that are difficult to stop or cope with? What are they?

7. Do you have any unusual gestures or movements of the body? Do you feel any unusual sensation or pain throughout your body? What exactly does it feel like is happening in your body?
When I sneeze.
8. When you experience your fears, persistent thoughts, or difficult emotions, what kind of sensation or reactions do you get in your body?

9. When did you feel at your best in your life? What was that like for you? If you imagine the complete opposite of this feeling or moment, what would that be like?
When I felt my best I was living in community. We would all be cooking in the kitchen, lots of chatting, a feeling of warmth and love and connectedness. I was working and able to provide for myself. I loved seeing my friends daily and going to the grocery store and everywhere you go people are smiling and happy. I loved feeling safe and there was a warmth in the homestead with visits with friends daily. Life was nice, slow and care free. I thought that this used to be in fairy tales but it is real. There are places that you can live where people want to help each other and be there for each other. We would create art and dance and have improvisational music jams. We would grow our own veggies and have potluck with great music and connection with many amazing friends. Just talking about this makes me smile so much.
It is interesting but the opposite would be me being all alone, on a desserted island with no human contact. Also struggling to survive on my own. In the past if I was ill or depressed I would isolate myself from others and not reach out in fear or abandonement. I also feel it has been the hardiest to be happy overall in CT. The only reason I am here is because my fiance has a house and my family are near by. But I wish and long to be in community again. It is really hard for me to have deep relation/friendships like I did when I lived in more open minded places.I also feel worse when I feel like my freedom is being surpressed and if I was stuck in once place and could not go anywhere. I need to be free and travel and explore and connect with others.I have accepted that I can not do much about my family but when I was able to live in these areas where I had all of the community and really all of my favorite hobbies it was basically everything I wanted and it felt wonderful. And yes my family is important to me but I feel like I do not get a whole lot from my family. I think back to my mom saying how I would go on other families blankets at the beach and act like I was a part of their family instead of mine. And most of my life I have had a lot of challenges with being able to feel love from my mom, supported by my dad(he really was not able to take care of me and never has acted like an adult but he did love me) and for the most part my brother is self absorbed and has only shown love during the holidays or from him protecting me. So in a way it is not like they are my real family. And if my dad was not so needy I would not even mind living in another country. Yes I love my family but they are all very disfunctional and co-dependent . I do feel a little held back by my dad becausehe does nottake care of his health and I am afraid of losing him and I wish I could be in my nephews life. I think if my dad was in better health it would not hold me back from wanting to leave CT and live in community. And my fiance also ownsa house so it is also hard to move because we would have to sell it. So I do feel stuck living somewhere that overall does not bring me much joy and where I do not blossom and flourish as I do when I live in community.
10. Do you feel like you are stuck in a pattern of behavior, especially when trying to deal with your problems? What is this pattern?

THIS IS AN IMPORTANT QUESTION PLEASE CONSIDER CAREFULLY AND GIVE DETAILS.

11. What difficulties or problems do you have in relationships? Talk about your family, your romantic relationships, your spouse or partner, your friends, and your work colleagues. You may need to talk about all of these separately.

12. List 5 positive things about yourself. Are there any situations where this positive attribute becomes negative (is a problem)?

13. List 5 negative things about yourself. Are there any situations where this negative attribute becomes positive (is useful)?

14. Do you have any reoccurring dreams? Describe them in detail, including any feelings that come while dreaming. Dreams are very important in unlocking the deepest truth of a patient’s case, but it is not enough to simply describe them in a sentence. Give as much information as you feel comfortable doing.
I have had a lot of dreams of fires, of being trapped in a house and I can not escape. Being chased once by a 3 headed dog(I think this was after I was bit and attacked by a black dog-I have always been afraid of big dogs since that point, although I love wolves) I have dreamed of being chased by tornadoes. I have dreamt of drowning or water. Once I dreamt that my dad was floating dead in a bathtub in the water. I woke up in fright and I called my mom. The only 2 dreams I remember as a child was a dream that I was on a floor level and there were growling wolves or angry dogs that wanted to get me. Also had a dream that there were many open graves in my backyard and that there was a mean old man killing children and burying them. I also have dreamt of floating almost flying around. Once in a room with people. I said look at me they did not notice. Another time I had to jump over a big hole that I could fall to my death and I flew over it. I also have had dreams of going up a stair case. The best one that was the weirdest and most interesting was a spiral staircase and I got to the top saw myself in a mirrow and I climbed through the mirror into myself. Another 2 dreams where someone wanted to take my hand at the top of a stairs and said trust me it is safe. I was scared. I had day dream of taking this guys hand and I skydived a whole bunch of times and wanted to do it again and again. Which is weird because I am afraid of heights (I can go up tall building and feel dizzy but anything like a mountain (went parasailing once and it felt freeing but I was also attached to a line-in control and safe) or the idea of parachuting scares me. I would never want to risk my life. I am sure there are other dreams as well. I have a lot of dreams.

15. Did you have any recurring dreams as a child, or earlier in your life? Describe those in detail including any feelings that came with them.

16. What were you like as a child, your character, your personality, your fears, your dreams, your problems?
My mom said I used to talk to everyone, I still love talking to people. She said when we would go to the beach I would sit on other people’s blankets and hang out with them instead of my family. She always sounds angered or upset when she has mentioned this fact. I think I used to talk to adults and older people then the kids. I love animals-cats, dolphins- they are playful, protective, nurturing, I have always wanted to swim with them, wolves-have a sense of belonging and they are powerful, birds-they are free to fly wherever they want to go, I love the idea of soaring in the sky, horses-freedom, graceful, I feel amazing and liberated when I have been on them-they seem so in touch with emotions. I do not like to see any animal hurt, caged maltreated etc. I went fishing with my mom. I caught my first fish and it was bleeding I felt sad and cried. My mom said that fish did not have feelings and it was ok. I never fished again. I feel it is hard when I have always been an open person and others do not like their emotions and I can be so open to talk. Partially why I eat vegetarian and live an animal cruelty free life. I am afraid of snakes, insects and any animal that could attack you. (lions and various animals that are in the zoo are fine because you are safe from them) I grew up loving to dance and play in theatre productions. I loved taking pictures and photography, making art. I think I have had too many times my mom has critiqued my art or an ex of mine. My mom was not even proud of me the first time I made mac and cheese with my dad and I cried. I was always afraid of rejection, not being good enough, I hated that I was so vulnerable and emotionally fragile and sensitive. I always wanted to be a part of a loving caring family. I craved social interaction and acceptance, to be part of a group. I feel like I did not get to enjoy my childhood like I would have liked to. I felt like I was pressured to grow up because I was worried about my family but I was not old enough to do anything to fix my family or things financially etc.

17. What kind of environment did you grow up in? What problems where there at home, with your family, with your parents, with your siblings, with school?
I grew up in a dirty environment at home, lots of arguing and screaming. I was always afraid and felt unsafe and unloved. Kids picked on me in school, I was outcasted. My brother used to not care about me. When he was a teen he cared more and was protective of me. I was closer to my dad and took his side over my mom. My mom used to be really mean and nasty. My dad would have panic attacks. My brother had anger problems and was destructive growing up. I tried to suppress my anger. (now adays the only thing that bothers me is my dad is really needy especially with me). The only real comfort I had was my black cat who loved me so much. She would wait for me to come home and jump in my arms and she would sleep in my bed. My brother rescued her and claimed her his but she gravitated towards me. When I first moved out I had a big argument with my mom. She did not allow me to take my cat I was really angry with her. I also prayed to god to have a friend. My prayers were not answered so I felt like god had rejected me like my mom rejected me when she was pregnant with me. I did not believe in god for a long time. I was so angry inside and depressed through out my teen years. I was very lost, wore a lot of black and hung out with alternitive punk kids. I do not think in some way I completely fit in but they did accept me. I left that environment as many just wanted to wallow in anger and problems and drink and do drugs. I wanted to better myself. I really found my belonging when I moved to Savannah, GA and was part of an eco-minded community that cared about the world and helping one another out. I think this was my first sense of belonging and family where I felt my happiest. So I think I equate community with it being like my spiritual family or the family I get to choose. My family also rejected/abandoned/outcasted me out of their family circle after my brother strangled and almost killed me a few years ago when I was 23.

3. What incidents in your life have had a deep impact on you? Describe each incident in detail and how they made you feel? What did you do in those situations? What effect have they had on your life?

I have many memories of kids picking on me, laughing at me, leaving me alone etc.
In high school a girl that got people against me for no reason. Got my best friend against me and my friend became my enemy and was trying to beat me up and one time actually pushed me to the ground. Got one kid to take a knife out and threaten to attack me with a knife.--(and knifes scare me when someone is mad-- weird synchronicity when I lived down south and moved into a new place. There was a room mate that came in and he was screaming at me because I was taking up his space. He was swinging a knife around and I had to call the cops on him. My landlords would not do anything and it was only my 2nd day. I told them I was moving out and they would not refund me and told me I was going to make my life a living hell and tell people terrible things about me. Again people that knew him, knew not to believe him.

My brother’s best friend got me to be friends with him and my brother. He got to drink alcohol and smoke pot which I did not want to and I was underage, I was only 12. He must have been 20 and he ended up molesting me. Then my brother flipped out when he finally walked in one day when this was happening.I feel bad because I always told him I felt uncomfortable and he told me it was ok to massage his back and then that lead to the molestation. Afterwards he stalked me and even broke into our house. Years later I talked with him and he apologized. I forgave him and became friends with his girlfriend. They gave me a ride back south. I found out on the ride that he still was crazy(forgot the meds so he started acting crazy) and the car started to fall apart but we were driving through a snow storm. When we got to NC. I snuck into his car and grabbed my stuff and his girlfriends stuff. When he went outside to smoke a cig I locked the house up and would not let him come back in. We had to call the cops because he was screaming saying he was going to break down the door. The police told him to leave. Again another situation with someone freaking out and blaming me when they are clearly a crazy person. I was so happy that I was able to help her leave the abusive relationship. She was legally blind. I told her she did not have to put up with this and she deserved better. She eventually left this relationship.

My mom when she told my boyfriend’s mom that I was sleeping around when I was not. This is the only guy I dated in high school. We broke after that. This was really traumatic because of the fact that I felt accepted within my school by him and I felt more included because he was popular(he was friendly and friends with everyone) When I went home to talk to my mom my mom responded with out me saying anything “That lying b*tch, how dare she say those things. I would never make up lies about you.” The interesting thing is with this is my mom does lie and my mom basically slipped up and basically proved she did it. I told my friends were on their way to get me. She said she was going to kill herself and it would be my fault. I left. I was really worried about her. My friends told me not to worry and they knew her usual crazy antics. I did have my friends bring me home at 1 or 2am. When I got home she was sleeping on the couch with a suicide note and empty wine bottle and a bruise on her head. The next morning I asked her about the bump on her head she said she fell. I brought the letter to school and told them. A few days later dcf showed up outside peeking in the windows. I was afraid I would get placed in foster care/dcf so I lied and told the school things were fine. I think if I knew I had a safe place to go I would have totally been happy to leave my home at any point after the age of 5 or so. I had a really rough life with my family. Later I also found she called an ex of mine if I slept around. He is very honest and had not heard about this incident so it also matched up that she did it. I will never understand why.

I think what has most impacted me was when people left me and ended the friendship or relationship in very cruel ways. I have had 2 female friends who both became jealous because they wanted more attention than me or my friends and they were cruel to me and said really horrible things about me after I left to other people even though I never did anything mean to them. As I always wanted to make people happy and only want to help people. People knew me enough to know the truth that I was a good person.

I had a few situations now that I think about that with living situations where there is a theme of someone trying to ruin my reputation or use me (or they appeared to be nice and then were crazy and wanted to throw my stuff on the lawn or ruined and trashed my stuff) It is almost as if there has always been someone or something that comes along and destroys my happiness and safety and such. I think that is why I am always afraid of something terrible happening. And that is probably why I am afraid to teach yoga or make art or create anything. Because my entire life I have constantly been in situations where everything I created and built got destroyed. Even my health has gone in this pattern- I work up getting my health back and my spiritual strength, I start going back into the world and something eventually comes along and knocks me down again and I become shattered and am no longer strong and would get sick again. So that it really the problem/dilemna. I feel like the answer lies in there. These destructive forces that smash me into pieces or torture me/control me with these abusive people and abusive situations. So really it is not a matter of me being lazy in why it it I do not create art or go out and create. Thank you for helping me realize this by making this post. This is amazing insight!!

I mean I probably was unconsciously attracting this sort of situation again and again. I know in homeopathy there usually a thread that runs through everything. I know it would not be possible for me to figure out my simillimum as I would be too close to see what I need and I am not trained although I want to go to school for Homeopathy so I can help other people as well as volunteer to give back. I am glad I have been at least been able to tame things so that I am not in such a high state of flight/fight/state of alert mind set. Other than me listing my problems I love philosophy, intuition, healing crystals, natural foods, herbs, homeopathy( I love reading about it- it is very fascinating), yoga - yoga teacher-though not currently teaching, healing, psychology, and I think I am more proactive in transforming myself and my life more than most americans. And what I have come to understand that many people are amazed how well I hold myself and how well I am doing considering everything I have been through in my life especially the fact that I almost died a few years ago.
My dad lost me in the mall.
I fell down a hill on my bike and flew over handle bars.
I hit my head on coffee table and had stiches on head.
A nail went through my hand when I was a toddler.
Bad experiences with my mom. First incident was in NYC. My mom and me were on a trip. She was always controlling but in a subtle and manipulative underhanded sort of way. (either she felt she got her way or if I got my way she would make me feel guilty, also when she was mean she would make it up by buying me something only later to say I was ungrateful, she uses this tactic with my dad, they are divorced when he got an inheritance she weaseled him into giving her his money to fix the house because she knew he still loved and cared about her but then treated him bad. He moved in to help the bills but she is always treating him to food and then makes him pay 50 on something else as well as to cheat him out of his money, and still makes fun of him, complains about him in front of my dad or puts him dad, yes I know my dad has many flaws, lazy, does not clean etc but those really are not terrible and my dad is really nice guy who is depressed that just wants to make our family happy so why should she use him like a door mat, she should be appreciative that she has him to help pay the bills and my dad would not be able to manage living on his own nor take care of himself so strangely enough it is blessing from the universe- (Note I did reconnect my bond with God after moving and living with community when I moved to Savannah, GA but I am more geared towards tribal spirituality, communing with the earth and the seasons of the earth etc.) When we went to NYC my friend suggested I focus on making myself happy. When I was in NYC she was getting more and more angry about me just being happy. I needed some breathing room so I went on the phone with my friend in the hall way. My mom demanded that I come back in. I said no then she said she was going to leave and I was going to ruin the trip. Then I stood my ground. She flipped out and said she was leaving the hotel and going home with out me. I was scared. So I went down to the lobby to get a security guard. They escorted me upstairs where she told the guard I was crazy and making things up. When I went in the room to get my things she begged me to stay crying. Then she started screaming at me saying she would make my life hell and I was a rotton person. I left the hotel room. I was scared because I was in the city but I took a cab and then went to the subway. It was pretty late and barren. A guy asked if I wanted help. I said I have it taken care of. He said you go woman. I tried to puff myself up and just go as fast as I can to meet up with my friend. We connected just in time for me to get on the train and go back to CT. I stayed with him for a week. I came back home things were choppy for a while with my mom. We went to Cape Cod on vacation. We were at a fancy dining place and the waitress gave her a 10 dollar bill back. She was appaled that she gave a large bill saying that the waitress did it on purpose. I defended the waitress. She told me if I did not stop it she was not going to give the girl a tip. I told her I want her and me to heal. She asked me in a cruel way… Did you ever think I might not care about having a relationship with you?? I was torn in 2. I started crying. I ran out of the dining place out into pouring rain. I got soaked. I was quiet afterwards and would not leave my room for a few weeks after that.

An ex named B V talked me out of dating a different guy. When we dated he was very selfish and he said that he was tired of all of the other guys dating me so he was going to be selfish. I felt heart broken that he did this knowing I loved the other guy. This guy Joe was still friends with me. We almost dated but we always missed the timing. Also another ex named Brian who was the abusive one ruined my chances of being with Joe. The 2nd Brian(B.B) and I had broken up and I had not moved out of the place we were living in. I had recently rekindled the flames with Joe. He stole the phone away from me and I chased him to try to get the phone back. He locked himself in a room to talk to Joe. Joe was afraid of him so when I visited Jg. in NH I think my ex BB ruined any chances of me getting together with Jg since Jg was afraid that BB was crazy enough to burn his house down. (if I did not talk about him this would be very important for my case as this relationship destroyed my self esteem and really damaged me more than any other relationship) BB also had destroyed another friendship with a guy named jn. I fell in love with Jn over a long period of time being friends with him. I was unhappy with BB but felt trapped due to his abuse. One time he sat Jn and me down and said he knew we had feelings for each other(at the time we were only friends) and I cried. He was really controlling, destroyed many of my friendships. He even physically hurt me, sexually assulted me(and made me do sexual things that were really degrading) later in therapy I found out that it would be rape because I did not want to have sex with him. He emotionally and mentally abused me. He also smashed my stuff and broke down a door once and push his way through doors. He put me down and told my art was horrible. Ruined one of my cars so I had no transportation. And even used my money on frivilous things then we did not have money for rent and moved around a lot and at some points were homeless. It took a long time to leave him because I was afraid of what would happen and where to go because he ruined my support system. I was in a relationship with him on and off. Only because I did not have any place to go and he would always offer a place and it was better then me being homeless again. I think ive given enough info on this ex.
[message edited by dawnmarie88 on Tue, 02 Dec 2014 03:49:11 GMT]

2. What emotions are the most troublesome for you? What situations provoke these emotions. How do these emotions make you act? Do you feel any ill effects from expressing or not expressing these emotions.
Anger
Sadness
I hate people seeing me when I am upset.

7. Do you have any unusual gestures or movements of the body? Do you feel any unusual sensation or pain throughout your body? What exactly does it feel like is happening in your body?
When I sneeze my whole body jerks forward with the sneeze and I lift and stomp my right foot with the sneeze. It is uncontrollable, it just happens. There are a few times that I sneeze without it though, but if I am in the middle of a task like carrying something or making food and sneeze, I definitely stomp my foot. When I walk, the palms of my hands are parallel to the floor… I am extending or overextending my wrist, but my fingers are curled in in a fist with my thumb sticking out. I also overextend my ankle when I sit so my toes are pointing as high up in the air as they can. I have had my toes stick together in my foot. It happens occasionally and really hurts. I am double jointed so I have to be careful about lifting heavy things. I sprained my back 2 months ago at work. My physical therapist told me that my spine is like bamboo so it’s not as strong. Sometimes my eyes twitch, usually just one eye. I think it’s always the left one but I’m not sure, If it’s both eyes, its usually more often than not the left that does it more often. Sometimes I stammer when I talk and get stuck at the third or fourth word in a sentence, especially if I’m afraid to answer or if I’m in the middle of something. Some of my greatest examples are: “I was just thinking….” or “I just wanted to see…” and if I get interrupted or distracted by something (yay ADD), I have to start the whole sentence over or I completely forget what I was going to say. Another thing I have is pain in the left hip if I lie on my left side. Sometimes my legs, arms or hands will fall asleep and I get the tingly-needly sensation and can’t move them, and they are really heavy. My eyes are really sensitive to the light at night time and I have to have them dim and my eyes are very sensitive to light in the morning and it feels like there is sand in them. Also at night, I do not like to flush the toilet because the sound of it hurts my ears.Same thing when my head hurts or I don’t feel well I don’t like loud noises or normal house lights as it makes it worse.
8. When you experience your fears, persistent thoughts, or difficult emotions, what kind of sensation or reactions do you get in your body?

10. Do you feel like you are stuck in a pattern of behavior, especially when trying to deal with your problems? What is this pattern? When I am upset I either close off and shut down, not wanting to do anything so I just read a lot. I do not want to go anywhere, do anything or eat. If my fiance is around, I may want to cuddle and watch a tv show or a movie, but if I am at a high level of sadness I do not want to be cuddled or talked to. I say that I need my space but want someone near me, but I am not talkative. If I am asked questions, I give one word responses, usually the opposite of how I really feel, basically not wanting to truthfully communicate for fear of being misunderstood or rejected. I feel that none of my desires will come to fruition, so why bother trying.
11. What difficulties or problems do you have in relationships? Talk about your family, your romantic relationships, your spouse or partner, your friends, and your work colleagues. You may need to talk about all of these separately.
Abandonment or possibility of verbal or physical abuse (history of and fear of it reoccuring)

4. What are you afraid of? Especially important are phobias, but it might be objects, situations or events that just produce a high level of anxiety. How do you manage your fears? How do you react when confronted with these fears? What would be the worst situation for you to be put in that would provoke these fears? You may need to talk about each fear/anxiety separately.

Fears of not being good enough, or being rejected, outcasted and/or abandoned. The idea of people talking behind my back or saying cruel things about me is very upsetting to imagine and I’ve been through this and it really hurts.

Leaving the house- I procrastinate, afraid I am missing everything I need. It is worse for vacation. I always over pack I am afraid I am not going to be prepared and bring everything I need. Then with my tendency to be late I started setting multiple alarms and have gotten better to be on time (the best being on time is for work, then drs but can still have some trouble if I am going to an outing or party) I feel rushed or I am distracted and maybe reading and want to read just a little more. It has to do with actually getting outside. Once I am outside then I feel so good. I will admit I do not feel as good in the cold or in the winter months as they have always been hard for me not just with less sun, cold-which chills my whole body and less vit. d but also because winter was always a harsh time for our family with using on heaters (and for a long time not having a stove/oven to cook, and over one winter having to heat up water for bath on a hot plate because we had no hot water-all due to my mom being irresponsible with money) so that is why I love the heat, it is safety, comfort, support and means easier days where I can live fully and play and enjoy the bright world and all the green life outside.
I try to find more things to enjoy about the winter. Bundle up more. I always feel better by the warmth of course!

I am afraid of robbers. I have had one attempted break in when I was 9. My brother’s friend who molested me at 12-14? who broke into the house because he was “in love with me and crazy” And my brother broke in through a window when he was crazy on drugs and just did not understand he could have used his keys to the house. I am very sensitive to sound and I might even say sound vibrations like my whole body is on alert at night. It’s like my ears perk up listening for more sounds. Many times I would ask my fiance to leave a little night light on or after a scare to turn it on. I would also ask him to check the house as I was sure someone got in. I would imagine that they would eventually make their way up and kill us in a horrible way. Or be afraid if my fiance went down there could he protect himself. Would they kill him or hurt him? Would I hide in the closet or would I try to attack them? What would I do if they killed my fiance?

I honestly feel if someone ever mugged me or tried to kill me again after taking the stramonium it released this primal protective energy in me where I was actually fighting back(although mostly it fighting with my delusions when I think I am being mentally attacked with my current partner) I know he only loves me and cares about me and he has really helped me so much but I go right into a defensive protective mode. I feel sad because I know it is hard for him, and I add stress onto him having to help me but he said he loves being by my side so over time I have let down the walls the best I can but I still have the urge to defend myself so ingrained in me. I used to yell to be left alone by my partner or walk into another room and shut the door and demand him to leave me alone. With the therapist help, she helped him to see not to take it personally and to understand ptsd and what was going on with me so he could help me and give me tools to deal with this medicine. But if some person tried to murder, rape or mug me I feel I would turn into a super fighter and would actually be afraid I would hurt them because I have so much pent up fuel because of what I have been through and a will to survive and live. If it comes to everyday stuff I am still afraid of confrontation but life or death I will come through and be on top and live!!

Currently the night time anxiety is very little. Aconite helped some. The stramonium which was for the trauma cleared a lot of the night time anxiety but I have had to take several doses over a period of several months. And the does had been leveled from 200c to 1m to 10m. And it is easy for me to be triggered (though never to the original extreme) more so if I had been upset or anxious in the evening perhaps about something else or if the cats knocked something over downstairs or if the neighbors are talking at night which is uncommon and you can hear the murmur of them talking through the walls as the units are connected.

Fear and can not watch anything where someone is killing someone, wars, violence, attacking people (no SAW movies, gorry movies, scary haunted ghost/demon movies where there is evil and killing, blood shed going on) I might be able to sometimes watch a movie where it is based on real life and the people fight back and come out on top. Or the tv show stalkers was interesting to see what happens in the minds of the criminals and how people overcame the system.

I am afraid a lot of times of answering the phone unless it is my fiance, family and most times I will pick up the phone from my friends. I also have a fear of leaving the house. If I am going somewhere like work or to an event or out with someone it is not big deal but to get me to leave my house on my own just go outside(which brings me so much joy) it is very difficult. I think it was easiest when I lived in community because people are coming and going so there is a lot of movement through the house. But if I am by myself it is really hard. It also might be hard for me to make a dr apt or take care of something important and I keep avoiding it and it will take maybe a week for me to finally do it and unless someone is there helping me out. I wish I could get my confidence and self initiated independence back.

It is weird but my fiance has taken care of me so much and down so much for me because I was in such a challenging place emotionally with everything I went through I know I have become dependent on him. And yet my biggest ex was really controlling and would be mad it me and accuse of me doing things or interrogate me so much that I also carry that fear of being able to enjoy doing things on my own at home, enjoy going outdoors or hanging out friends because my ex BB really would bring down my parade of happiness and make me feel terrible by yelling at my when he got home. I used to be very afraid of my fiance being mad at me when he got home. So actually I think this fear arises from BB but even though my fiance wants me to be happy and be creative or go out. I have a hard time enjoying myself.

Afraid of storms and fires. I have had a lot of nightmares with twisters, floods and fires and they always scare me. It is as if these destructive forces burn down cities and house and places where people have worked so hard to build their lives and it is sad that in a matter of minutes and hours lives can be taken and people’s dreams can be burnt to the ground, flooded or swept away from the tornadoes. I also hate watching movies/news that has this happen. It breaks my heart so much to see this. If I lived closer I would definitely volunteer to help out. Although I do donate food to pantries.

Last night I had a dream that part of a town was burnt down. There was a shop with a monkey and a skunk outside. The ice cream folks asked if I wanted some ice cream which is weird and I did not want to intrude but they insisted and seemed to act as if it was no big deal that there was a fire and said that all of the ice cream would go to waste if people did not eat it. I also dreamed of a flood and my car was gone. Me with a baby or young child. And another dream where I am with a guy and we have to dress him up as a girl so he can dance with me because guys are not allowed. He looks so silly and cute dressed up like a girl. An older adult stops us, we think maybe we are found and just smile. Then he goes on his way and we are dancing and it is lots of fun.

Creeped out of insects (excepts daddy long legged, moths, butterflies, dragonflies, lady bugs) but would never want to kill them. As long as they are not bothering me or crawling on me I am fine. As soon as they are on me I freak out and scream and only want them off me and then outside and not killed. I think bees only scare when they have attacked me otherwise I just hope they leave me alone and if they land on me I just wait for them to leave and do not swat at them.

Afraid of snakes-again just leave me alone. And I would say if I was face to face with a big animal that could kill me but I think that goes to say most people would be afraid.

Afraid if it gets dark and stormy-get afraid and watch sky to see if tornado is forming. I just want to be safe. Otherwise thunderstorms with the rain and lightning is very fun to watch.

[message edited by dawnmarie88 on Tue, 02 Dec 2014 02:15:12 GMT]
[message edited by dawnmarie88 on Tue, 02 Dec 2014 02:16:23 GMT]
[message edited by dawnmarie88 on Tue, 02 Dec 2014 15:08:59 GMT]

I am ok with waiting. If you take a while since I am sure you are busy with regular work and life and you are doing this on the side and I know you help other people on this forum. I am patient. I would rather wait and I trust you can help me. Thanks for being patient in filling this out. Somehow this time I actually want to finish filiing this form out and give you enough detail. I know that some of it is more repetory and some helps you see whatever patterns, my personality, my delusions, illusions etc. I feel like you can really help me so do not feel like you need to rush. Even if it took a month or so for you get back to me I understand and respect you and your time is valuable so I honor you. I also really and sincerely appreciate you helping me and everyone else out. By you helping me it will ultimately help others as I can be able to get back in the world teach yoga and go to school for homeopathy and give back as well just like you have. Thank you again. I hope you are enjoying your holidays!

I have one last post just to add some of my positive side. I will add shortly.

13. List 5 negative things about yourself. Are there any situations where this negative attribute becomes positive (is useful)?
*****I am sure I have explained this enough***
Issues with commitment
Indecisive
Procrastinate
Fear of confrontation

Side Note:
When I get anxiety I scratch my head and sometimes I do it for no reason. For some reason I like doing it. I have no clue why this is.

11. What difficulties or problems do you have in relationships? Talk about your family, your romantic relationships, your spouse or partner, your friends, and your work colleagues. You may need to talk about all of these separately.
Abandonment or possibility of verbal or physical abuse (history of and fear of it recurring)

I think there is much desire to be a part of the pack or tribe as well as being part of my family unit.
12. List 5 positive things about yourself. Are there any situations where this positive attribute becomes negative (is a problem)?

Very giving/person that tends to put my family first. In my heart I care for those most dear to me.

Listening and Giving advice and sharing new insights and perspectives. I read a lot on psychology, self help, philosophy and anything that can help me understand the world new ways. I am always open to even learning from others, my experience and even insight from watching tv and movies. I have always been good at giving advice and people naturally come to me for help even as a teen. It probably comes from me being a mediator with my family growing up getting in between my parents fighting or my brother and my dad fighting and wanting to make peace between them. I also still feel sad that my brother’s girlfriend is the controlling force keeping me a part from my family. My brother and my nephew want to see me more but she is keeping me from them. I think it hurts me so much that she does this. To isolate me from my own family when it is not my fault that my brother almost went to jail. He was on drugs, almost killed me and was going crazy at the time. He needed help and ultimately through court was forced to go to anger management which really helped him (he said so on numerous occasions and my brother generally was very self focused so this is great) He has moved on and we talk but she is angry.

I think in the past this created a lot of challenges because of how many times people took advantage of my kindness whether they became needy/clingy or they had ulterior motives. I think it hurt a lot. I also kept giving people a lot of chances and had to learn the hard way to finally let them go. I would keep forgiving people and then they would eventually go back to same tendencies. I think so much a part of me wanted to try again to fix or mend things(it goes back to my childhood ) but as hard as it is I have found that sometimes you can not mend things with others but to find the peace from those situations in myself and realize they came into my life to teach me things and now they are gone and yet also I can appreciate the good memories and take the other aspects as learning. So now I am more careful in a mindful way of who I let into my life and focus on the closer more positive friendships I have but yet strangely still have the same issues with wanting to be a part of the same group. I had to learn the hard way I was so naive.

I remember moving to Savannah, GA with bright wide eyes and so much aww and wonder like a child open to everything where all is new and exciting. I think that is my favorite feeling like the fool of the tarot card. Is he really a fool? I think no matter how much I have been through I will always go back to the curiosity and awwee of a child, enjoying in the magical wonders of everyday life like finding an apple tree on the side of the road, one time I was walking down the road and saw a humming bird and car drove by quickly they represented most of the world that is too busy to notice the magic and incredible moments that exist in life. So much love, beauty and incredible moments to experience. Just look up at the stars at night where you are in a place where it is completely dark and feel the joy of being one with the universe and how much possibility and potential exists out there and within us. Our universe as well as our own spirit is truly filled with amazing wonders.

When motivated or inspired I am very talented in dancing, creative art and theatrics. I grew up dancing 3 different classes(styles a week) and did performances. I always wished I had gotten into competitive dance only because it would have brought me deeper into building upon my talent. I stopped dancing in middle school? because my mom lost her job and I could no longer go. I am not sure why my mom never pushed me more. I guess you could say both of my parents have always been protective of me and almost have this energy of wanting me to be dependent on them or not grow up or at least have someone take care of me instead of me becoming independent. I always asked for them for my help (my dad was too timid and my mom I honestly think wanted me to not leave so I could take care of her, she’s sort of selfish and lazy in this respects -she lied to me when I was getting my driving permit-paid for driving school and as soon as I could go for a license said I needed to own a car-I found out 3 years later it was a lie-probably so I could clean up the house and so I did not leave-one of her sly controlling qualities)

I was also in performing arts (musical and theatre) again I wished I had done more. I think I got the stage fright but definitely had potential. In school it was worse to try out for singing vocals-I would freeze up even though I knew I could sing or sing poorly compared to my potential and I think I was more anxious at school because of all the kids that picked on me and me being an outcast of the outcast- a total loner and isolated even though I was such a nice person!! I loved singing in choir. And even though I did not like my mom putting me in cheer leading because I had no friends so felt isolated and on the outskirts of the cheer squad(always a big issue for me because I have such a yearning to be a part of the group) I actually liked overall the structure and energy and dancing/performance aspects of it. Lastly I love photography and am talented with my photography. I actually was the only student in senior year to be enrolled into the photography internship in high school but because of my wanting to help others and lack of focus and issues with being picked on I ended up being more a mentor/teachers aide instead of finishing my own projects. I felt so alive in the dark room and creating from beginning to the final product. I feel bummed out as I wanted to go to school for photography but when I asked my parents to help fill out school forms neither of them helped me. And I was going through so many problems at home and at school I never went through with photography degree.

Later on I studied and went to different yoga trainings: laughter yoga, reiki levels and teaching level, 200 hr yoga, kids yoga, mindful kids yoga, mindful schools, visionary coaching, expressive yoga dance and circus yoga. The only thing is I sort of did some with it but was inconsistant because of stage fright. When I finally got over my fear and started teaching adult yoga I had some issues that happened where the owner or someone high up in the yoga studio got threatened by me and let me go in very mean and cruel ways. I have yet to return to teach yoga because of the devastation and fear of being outcasted and rejected. But I do really love teaching and I love everything creative. I think because of so much rejection and life circumstances and such continuing to happen again and again I am afraid to start things again because of fear that someone will crush or destroy what I built. And my anxiety attacks are less and I am currently in a new job (part time job as health enthusiast worker at Vitamin Shoppe with nice co-workers/boss) that I feel this is all I can handle and I do not want to take a chance to lose all of my progress or risk something else terrible happening that will cause me more pain and suffering and rejection/outcasting/cruelty.

On a side note- I have lived in many places and have had multiple jobs. And am used to nothing ever lasting -partially why I get afraid of permanent things and not used to this- as well as sometimes I want new stimulation all the time and always finding new and interesting and want new stimulation and new experience/traveling/exploring.

I am very intuitive/inquisitive (also high iq-around 140 ) and see the various connecting factors in life. I have always had a fascination with mystery, understanding the universe, symbolism, synchronicities and the human mind. I was actually accepted into a homeopathic speciality school even though I had yet to take a 3 year college because of my personal study and understanding of the energies of homeopathy. I decided to wait due to money and thought it better to get myself into a better place for homeopathy for if I got good treatment my life would be easier and I could even be more successful when I go to school later. I also feel because all that I have been through and the perseverance and dedication through my struggle to reflect and grow and conquer/transform my own personal struggles from the various traumas and hardships that I have endured coupled with an open mind, caring heart, listening ear, ability to be objective when listening to others and have a way with being in tune and saying exactly what others need to hear ( can translate to finding the homeopathic) not to mention the fact that I am confident I can provide the therapeutic relation with patient I can ultimately help many people in the future. In addition to the homeopathy I can help people with aromatherapy, nutrition and give advice and inspire them to find ways to overcome their struggles and challenges as well empower them to see the good in them and harness their strengths and learn from their personal challenges.

I am naturally outgoing although this last year I have not been as social for I have been really focused on overcoming my internal struggles and finding harmony from the all of the buried trauma energy that was released from taking the stramonium. At first it was terrible but I know that it secretly a gift and blessing. And yes I can have my moments of anxiety/fear/anger/loneliness etc but somehow I find myself back to the hope and determination. It has been a rough last several months as I have removed many layers. I forgot to mention over the last 2 months before I spoke with you I took these homeopathics: Nitric Acidicum-helped with letting go of holding grudges-going back and forth with anger towards that had wronged me and anger to myself feeling stupid, anacardiam for feeling pulled in 2 directions helped to calm this done, sacharium-sugar levels seemed a little better, helped somewhat with more self love, lac maternum-feeling more nurture love, vernix casea-with the shell, protection and not being so sensitive to others. My homeopathic Dr had also suggested silicea for help with the anxiety with work and feeling more confident and had suggested sulpher at one point and helped me specifically with helping me taking more showers (I now shower every day if not almost every day but I still have an issue with getting my head wet but I force to wash my hair probably 2x a week). But I know these have only helped remove layers or made things more comfortable so I can at least function to a degree as before I was not cleaning the house, hardly showering and was in a really bad place emotionally. But I know that these have helped on the surface vs going deeper in the case to find what will bring me not only longer term peace but will help bring my back to my vitality and back to my brilliance so I can live life fully and more happy and pursue my dreams and live the way I have always wished to live!
[message edited by dawnmarie88 on Thu, 04 Dec 2014 03:40:36 GMT]

Hi Simone,
I request that you stop posting as I feel your intentions mean well but I take it invasive as these are not your cases. So please stop posting. I know you are trying to help but you are not. Thank you.
[message edited by dawnmarie88 on Tue, 09 Dec 2014 04:59:54 GMT]