Stronger Potency or Better Remedy? _{Page 11 of 44}

Speaking of my strong resistance to change, does this sound anything like my body resisting everything I try remedy wise??? Just a thought.

Okay, around noon time, there has been a lot of rocking the 'hitting an air pocket' on an airplane type. Just feels like there is this massive atmospheric pressure change or something that is just moving all around me, causing me to be pushed to and fro so to speak. Unless it's part of me that is separated from my body that is trying to reconnect or something, because again when this happens, I feel more heavy.

Also single trickle of water down back of left leg, starting somewhere just above, inch or two at the most, where your sock would go up to and down toward my ankle.

Now I don't know if it actually was, but if it was, I wouldn't think it would have kept gong down my leg on my skin when it got to my sock it would have stopped. So maybe it was more just a sensation. Not sure. I've had sensations already (not sure how long ago last time, I know before May 8th with my chronic pain used to get it a lot a feeling of it being a trickle of water, but definitely nerve related, not like it was actually water on the skin or perspiration.

Sensation of lightness came back, lots of tingling, fuzziness in head again as per usual when lightness comes on, and sensation of warmth/heat only in left leg, particularly the back of thigh, not sure I've had that before in just the localized area like that.

5:30 on lots of lightness, rocking, afraid I'm going to die, sweating of the hands like crazy. Headache again. Pressure in skull. Sensation of wind/air blowing through feet.

John, this just does not follow normal patterns. Just doesn't make any sense whatsoever. The symptoms themselves tend to be pretty predictable, but the pattern of when/how they come on seems to be just total chaos. It's as if my body is blindfolded throwing darts at a board hoping something will stick to the board and in this case that my body can create picture of health through random chaotic processes.

Forgot to mention around 2:00 and thereafter noticed a major increase in appetite, feel like I need to eat lots of food and desire to eat lots of food.

In response to the first post:

Prescribing based upon one particular/solid symptom makes perfect sense, way to narrow it down. (Something else I have problems with, taking a huge picture and simplifying it, then when somebody else does, it's like a breath of fresh air. Where I go from PARAMOUNT STRESSED OUT to, OKAY, yes, I can do that).

Anyway, you know, if it were me, I'd say that having a clear, relaxed mind is the one thing where all my symptoms are better. Like everytime I've felt really good physically I've always felt really good mentally. Like yesterday I felt super good physically or well, better than usual but I also noticed the feeling of mental clearness. It was the same way when I took the Psorinum and for the half a day I felt so good mentally.

I tend to dwell on things a lot, so also possibly 'THINKING OF AILMENTS WORSENS?'

'Worse from lack of sleep.'

'Sensitivity' internally and externally.

Of course in all this, the Fear of Death is constantly in my mind.

Almost as if a sewer exists in my mind of all my thoughts and they are just backed up, building up and causing me to feel mentally drained, mentally fatigued, almost like a Bach Flower Mustard State where there is this dark cloud over head. And when I feel better physically it's as if it has all cleared away.

To be sterotypical again for a bit, you could say it's a neurotransmitter imbalance if the other day when all the movement in the heat made it better, like exercise. So yeah, I guess you could group better by movement in there too, though movement doesn't always help, only when it has an effect on the mind.

So maybe 'better from keeping occupied, keeping busy.' Again that allieviates the mental aspect, having focus somewhere else.

It's kinda of funny because I'm feeling like it's the end of the world and not seeing the positives that you mention in your post, but what you say makes perfect sense.

As to second post:

Yes, I do do that a lot don't I, describe things as what I think rather than what I'm actually experiencing. And I understand how that could definitely point to a remedy, but don't know enough to really know how you apply that knowledge.

Thinking back to I can see how I do that in all situations of life. Many times I probably create excess stress for myself just because I'm basing it on how I feel, rather than what actually happened. And causes lots of conflicts for me too.

Example: My one friend told me one time that I'm so intuitive I pick up on every little vibe and blow it way out of proportion. Like let's say the person is feeling 1% upset at me and 99% happy with me, for some reason I will pick up on that 1% and htat's all that will become my focus. And instead of seeing okay, the person said hi to me and smiled, the person at one point complimented me it won't mean anything if I'm sensing that 1% and then that 1% seems to grow larger and larger till in no time, I feel as if the person just absolutely hates me when maybe it had nothing to do with me.

As far as multitude of sensations wreaking havoc, yeah, and I think it's the 24/7 aspect, never getting a break from it, never getting a rest, always there, always in my mind, sometimes even when I try to keep really busy it's there lingering in the background, can't escape, it's something I have to deal with, can't run or hide from it.

And I know what you mean about the making a pact to maintain the state at all costs. Can't imagine what the reason for that could possibly be or how to undo it though. Does make total sense though with my feeling like I'm blocked, because I can always sense when something is working against me, just because I'm so intune with things, sensing, feeling.

Still the issue though of where to go from here if that is the case, even best selected remedy might fail, I don't know.

I'm sure you've heard of the exercise where you ask yourself a question or make a statement and write down responses on paper. Example, 'I deserve to be succesfull.' They say that whatever comes up is your block to attaining that, or at least your subconscious beliefs about it. Well I can tell you thre isn't one thing I can say that's positive about myself without instantly getting negative feedback from that voice.

Maybe I made a pact for continual struggle and suffering.

Well, I guess I would have to say the sensation that I'm going to die (come out of my body) is the main thing. But the problem is that it's mental and also physical. Like I'm usually always worried about it because of how I'm feeling physically (the feeling of rocking back and fourth, going to come out of my body or separate from my body), and at the same time if the physical sensation increases then the mental does. I'm not sure which one feeds more, the physical affecting the mental or the mental affecting the physical. As far as progression of condition, even before this I was afraid of death always, but different than what I feel now, and so the degree to which I feel it now was brought on by the physical sensations. The lightness can also worsen the fear of death, but again because it feels like I'm not part of my body or going to separate from body or whatever. So even though they are interrelated if we are trying to stick to one thing, I guess the sensation/feeling that I'm going to die would be the primary one.

I'm not sure how better to describe fear that I'm going to die. When at it's worst, desire to grab something and hold onto it, like to keep myself in my body. The first time May 8th, I felt like I had strong will power to resist, this time, if that same incident happened again, I feel like I don't have the energy/will to fight as hard, I would still fight as much as possible, resist, but feel like I lack the energy that gives you power, like getting angry and you get stronger, just feel weak, not able to hold on. Also fear that I would cease to exist. Like become nothingness. Not sure what else to say.

I think I've seen annihilation in homeopathic texts. So I guess that kind of describes what I feel would happen, what I fear will happen or what I feel is going to happen.

Along with that comes self-pity, and also there is a feeling of not being done. Like it can't happen yet, not because I'm trying to make myself out to be so great or anything like 'Oh yes, I'm wonderful, the world needs me.' But because I feel like I haven't made my contribution yet and I need to.

When I am in the car and stopped at a light or something and the rocking comes on and have fear of death with that, there is the sense of urgency to reach my destination, like I just need to get to where I'm going and I'll be okay. Always afraid I'm not going to make it there. In fact, sometimes when I have the feeling like I'm going to die, I end up driving really really fast to get to my destination as if the symptoms would stop then. Normally the destination is home. So I don't know, familiar territory, feeling of security? I have no idea, but that happens every time.

I guess the other thing though, even though we have have current symptoms to base on, how much do we have to take the intitial trauma that precipitated this into consideration. This particular kind of fear of death having come on from severe shock/fright. I would liken the degree of the trauma on that day to that of being in an auto accident, like the moment before you're about to collide with a tractor trailer truck at a high speed and you know your life is over. And that sensation of intense energy colliding with intense energy and the separation of body or death or whatever in that instance being instantaneous. So shock, fright, terror.

The other thing, is that through all of this, sometimes when I get really light, I get the sensation that my muscles are starting to relax (the chronic muscle pain - contraction/tension) that I've had for 7+ years. Then later they get tensed up again. But during those moments along with the fear of death, there is the fear that I don't want to the muscles to be normal relax, feeling that if they don't remain tense, I can't hold on and will die. So there's also the feeling that if I get better in that respect (not better all over health, just that one particular issue) that I will die. And also as if I'm releasing stuff and I'm afraid too much is leaving me that there's nothing of me left (goes along with the feeling like I'm disappearing).

And then I was just thinking about this too that if you've ever been in one of those theatres (not necessarily a movie theatre, just a tourist attraction thing) and they have stadium type seating and huge screen and they show scenes that are moving really fast. Ever have the experience of feeling like the whole room was moving (that feeling you get when you're at the shore and you're standing in one place and the tide is pulling back really fast and even though you're standing in one spot you feel like you're moving because the water pulling back really fast. Same type of feeling). Well, I would get fearful of death (same response, wanting to hold onto something) even way back when I would experience things like that. So I think inner ear/equilibrium matching visual, what I think I see, with what is actually occuring has always been an issue for me.

Okay, URGENCY, FEAR, PANIC, TERROR. (Felt like I was being sucked out of my body), INTENSE, VULNERABLE, UNDER ATTACK. I remember kicking and screaming (tensing up tremendously when holding onto the wall). Not sure if shock covers it or not. Trying to RESIST something VERY powerful.

Very sudden. Was doing the dowsing prior to it and felt as if there was a force taking over my pendulum. So even before the real traumatic one, I had a sense of great fear. Instantly dropped the pendulum, fear, shaking, trembeling. Later, tingling in the body, then just like that, SUDDENLY. SHOCK from terror, fright.

EXTREME mental shock, anguish, terror, fright as well as the physical I mentioned.

Almost something too horrid to think about. Imagine being trapped in a fire and being burned alive, not being able to get out or escape. Similar to that. I don't always know the best way to describe things.

If I had to pick one word to describe it would be TERROR.

Long after I couldn't stand to be alone at night, had to have company. And when I went to sleep I had to have every light on in the house. The more lights the better.

Was sure I was possessed by an evil spirit and was intent on warding it/them off.

Well it's been a lot better since I've been back home. I still like to have light on at night when I sleep, but have always been that way to a degree. Definitely don't feel the degree of being possessed like I had before. Still wonder at times if there is something in my energy field, but don't dwell on it.

When I first came back home, several weeks after my parents went on vacation (March) and was worried about being home alone, but was okay. Still at times though feel that there is an energy of some sort targeting me, causing harm. But again, nothing like what I had been experiencing.

Well, I guess I wouldn't say possessed because I don't feel I'm being controlled or anything, more like just being oppressed or teormented by. And it's not something I really know or am insistent upon. Just you know with the feeling like there is some force working against me the oppression comes into mind. Or cursed or something.

Afraid that something was after me, feeling like there was a presence in the house or around me. Again not so much anymore, but still once in awhile get the feeling, especially because whereever I go, there seems to be creaking/cracking sounds in things, but it's been like that my whole life, and always from young up was afraid at night in the dark when I would hear noises like that.

John, a little off topic, but just something that happened this morning that happens to me a lot. My dad and I were taking more stuff to my apartment and once we got everything up the steps and inside we started working on my desk (didn't sweat quite as much this time and the effects were still somewhat positive as far as helping with my symptoms, rocking, feeling light). When doing physical work, the rocking seems to get better, but I feel like I get more dizzy, like I would fall over.

Anyway, we were setting up my desk (corner desk) and putting it together and I was holding the one end and my dad was holding the other and he moved his hand a little bit and his end felt down right on his arm and scraped it up pretty good. He acted like it was no big deal and wanted to keep working. I of course flipped out (just like my mom would). I was like, 'I felt so bad that he got hurt and got mad, started swearing at the desk I guess. I was like, 'Dad, we're stopping right now. I don't care about the desk, you need to get that taken care of, looked at. We're not doing any more today. And he proceeded to keep going and I got more upset and said that if he needs to stop right now or I'm calling mom (since she usually is able to control everybody when she wants something done). Well, I ended up leaving for a while and got some cold water and paper towels and soap and stuff so he could clean up, and when I got back he had it all set up.' But at the time, I don't know if it was more hysterical or what, just my typical overreacting, flying off the handle. My dad was the one hurt and he was the one staying calm and grounded, trying to get me to calm down (though he's used to it with mom I guess).

Many times in instances like that I will get upset and just do something that I'll regret later. Like at the time if it were up to me we would have taken the desk out and burned it because of what happened. But later after cooling down some I would have been really upset because I really like the desk.

Many times I have ruined things that were important to me because I was upset in the moment, overreacting. Never get violent toward anyone else or anything, but it's more a doing things to things that are important to me maybe subconsciously to punish myself or hurt myself later.

When I was much younger, maybe 8 years old or something, I had saved up money for this briefcase to carry my important stuff around in or something. It was $40 and had taken me awhile to save the money for it, and oneday when I got upset about something I went right to that and ruined it. Later regretting what I did, because again it was something I valued.

But, still feel it's most important to deal with the issue from May 8th.

I was also thinking last night that maybe we should be looking at dellusions along with the terror of the incident. Feelings like part of me is missing, not all here, body feels taller, looking down on body, though all these things are a result of the terror/fright on that day.

Aconite/Arsenicum seem like two biggest remedies for fear of death. Not sure though. Am feeling though like the mental trauma created psychosomatic type symptoms in the physical.