Stronger Potency or Better Remedy? _{Page 26 of 44}

My mom will usually always after she says something to upset me try to engage me in conversation, and try to be all chatty. But there's no way I want to talk to her and will either not respond to things that she says or I'll give as short answers as possible. Also she will often in the middle of discussions ask me how I feel about something, but I know from experience whatever I say she's going to tell me how I'm wrong or how my point of view is wrong, so I will just shrug and say I don't know because I don't want to say how I really feel because I'm afraid of how she (and my dad too) is going to discredit how I feel. So when I don't say anything to protect myself then I get told how my problem is that I'm not honest with people, I don't tell people how I feel or that the problem is that I don't know how I feel. But I'd rather get told that, then to be told I'm wrong or I shouldn't feel the way I do, or that my feelings are wrong or not normal or whatever so I just keep my mouth shut, but still it eats at me when I have to constantly just sit there and take the blows and know that I can't do anything about it. Knowing that standing up for myself doesn't work and is in fact even worse than letting myself get kicked and abused when I'm down. Because my parents get really upset when I try to stand up for how I feel. And they either say something like, 'Fine, don't ever come to us for help again with anything, or they'll say something like they're never going to help me financially if I ever need it or my mom will threaten to tell my grandma something or just ridiculous stuff to get me to give in and back down. I don't think I've ever stood up for anything in my life. And of course my mom and Annette are always saying how I need to be tougher and stick up for myself and not let people walk all over me, though they are the first to get upset and tell me how I don't have any right to stand up to them when I do try to stick up for myself, so it's like a no win situation.

So here again we have the theme of me feeling like I have no way to protect myself, that I'm open, vulnerable and there's nothing I can do about it. And sometimes even when I try to hide stuff from my mom, she finds out somehow or she just knows about stuff and then again feel violated with no way to keep myself safe from emotional/verbal abuse. And maybe some of it is me just being so sensitive, I'm sure there are situations where I overreact to things that the normal person would not, but yes, as you say, learned response, it's been going on so long now, for so many years that's it's just a natural reaction.

Yeah, sensitive to mom. Too bad we can't make a homeopathic remedy of my mom it would work miracles I'm sure!

Noticed stools were loose last night and today. Also today, around 1:45 went to bathroom, had loose stools and afterwards noticed sensation as if nose were going to drip or were running. It didn't actually drip but did blow nose to get stuff out, very little.

And also, fingers are ice cold today. Haven't been that cold in awhile, but this too is something that I have had since childhood.

I'm not sure. When she asked me how much I thought I weighed I made up some exaggerated number that I knew she wouldn't believe. You know, the excessive thing. I do that a lot in cases where I feel like somebody is being unreasonable. I will make circumstances seem ten times worse than they are, so I get a more reasonable reaction from the other person. So when she asked me what I weighed, I made something up, higher than what I really thought and then she said, 'NO, come on you don't weigh that much.' Well, then she wanted me to go weigh myself on her scale. And I refused to do it. Kind of stood my ground in that respect. But that wasn't really untypical of me. I would normally have refused to do that. So no, I would have to say I didn't really notice anything different.

I really don't think I brooded less or was less bothered by it, normally stuff like that will go away with sleep. And there were many times in my past where I did go sleep, even if middle of the day, just so I could get rid of the emotional pain from the situation.

I didn't blow up or anything, but it seems that that type of response is varied. There are times where stuff that should bother me with my mom doesn't. Like the one night when she helped move me into my apartment and the whole way home I had to sit next to her in the vehicle with her lecturing me about this and that, and I just kind of ignored it, and it didn't bother me at all. But I also had a kind of far away feeling too where I felt like I was totally indifferent to whatever happened, like unfeeling, uncaring. Just the time I feel like I'm handling situations better something happens and I'll feel like I haven't made any progress whatsoever.

Or actually the exaggerated thing could also be a way to protect myself, when I feel like I'm getting kicked, a way to get kicked less.

I also have in the past with my mom used the strategy of talking VERY negatively of myself so that she backs down. Because if I say really horrible things about myself when we're fighting, there isn't much left for her to say.

It's also a way for me to try to get the other person to show that they care. If I say something about myself worse than what my mom is saying, I am going to get a such as 'well, you're not quite that bad,' or, 'you aren't that much of a problem,' etc. And then I get to hear her saying how I'm really not so bad.

Either way, I'm looking for some kind of response that shows she cares.

Gets back to that whole issue of feeling unloved, not feeling worthy. Probably on a deeper level I feel that I don't deserve to get better. Don't know if this can actually prevent remedies from working.

Also, still thinking that the block, whatever it is, is inherited.

I can tell you when I open up to my mom one of two things happen A.) Desire to leave, escape, because I don't want to deal with what she has to say. Because basically I always feel like a worthless piece of you know what. Or if she won't let me escape, or leave, which is sometimes the case when she follows me around, it turns to extreme ANGER/RAGE.

I was doing some more looking last night and I'm feeling like based soley on mentals, IGNATIA fits me very well. It covers so much of what has happened in my life. It has the ailments from fright, it has the emotional/sensitivity, the ailments from love/relationship etc.

The other thing about my relationship with my mom is inability to stand up for myself. Let her walk all over me, and as motivational speakers would say, let her take away my 'PERSONAL POWER.'

It makes me angry when people always tell me that I need to stop playing the victim or feeling sorry for myself and just focus on what I want. I know I can get into my moods, but it seems like the harder I try for things that I want, the more they escape me.

I see some of these problems starting at childhood, even before I really remember conscious existence. What was I thinking wrongly then that caused me to have problems? I have been to counselors in the past, gone through many different ones, all of them frustrated with what to tell me to do about my mom, because they tell me to try things and I do try them and my mom gets upset because she doesn't like what they are telling me to do and then she blames me for not listening to the counselor, that she is helping me out with this financially and it's not doing any good because I'm not taking any action, not following their advice anyway. Well, it's not that, it's that she doesn't like the advice that I'm following.

My mom has always gone the exact opposite direction of whatever I choose/desire/want/think/feel. It doesn't matter if she likes something more than anything in the world or believes in something. It seems that as soon as I want to do it, then she doesn't like it. Then if I decide I don't like it and take up the opposite viewpoint, then she gets upset because I should like it. Or she blames me for being inconsistent, sporadic, indecisive, always changing my mind, never sticking with something. I change myself faster than the weather trying to suit her and it never works.

Annette was the same way, exactly like my mom. More than anything the two of them make me angry. I'm so angry right now just thinking about this. I want to kill somebody, punch something, destroy something. During episodes with them, I say things like I hate them, I want to kill them. Of course I never would, but that's just how much anger I have, and I'm not an angry/violent person, but they bring it out in me easily.

It makes me angry when I get upset and decide to do something and it doesn't work out, but that when they get upset and decide to do something it works out. I constantly feel the need to prove my worthiness, my basic value as a human being and never feel I can do that. Never feel successful.

I get angry and upset when they acuse me of the very things that they do, day in and day out and I don't have to constantly point it out to them, sure it bothers me, I keep it bottled up though, whereas they have to be pointing it out ever second to me. Then when I get angry at them for accusing me of stuff, then all that stuff starts coming up to my mind, start going over and over it in my mind and then start feeling sorry for myself, feeling it's not fair, that they don't treat me fairly. Feel like they are totally unreasonable, and they are asking me to believe that there is no such thing as gravity and then take action as if there were none. No matter how much I believe gravity doesn't exist, if I jump off a building, I'm going to find out quickly that it does, nothing can change that no matter how hard I try to believe it's not true. And that's how I feel when I am trying to change to please them, to make them happy.

If I don't give in, if I don't back down and stand up to them, then they get all upset, angry, moody, blow me off, won't talk to me and then I feel guilty, I feel like I'm going to lose their association, so afraid of losing them from my life, I want them to like me, to be happy with me, to talk to me etc so I back down and give in even when I shouldn't. When I see how they act when I take a stand, I feel guilty, like it's my fault, feel responsible, start to question whether I should have felt that way or not, or should have done this or that, or said this or that. And I try to patch things up by being the one to admit fault when wrong. I always put blame on myself to try to make things better.

Let me give an example. One time when my mom decided that I needed help and decided I needed to go to counseling, she set up an appointment without my knowledge and told me the day before. I was so mad, but I went. I get there, and after the initial introduction with the counselor, the first thing out of his mouth was, 'SO, I HEAR YOU HAD PROBLEMS WITH BED WETTING.' I was SO MAD. And this guy just started spitting out stuff that my mom told him about me, the stuff that she KNEW was wrong, he was totally biased before he even met me. So the next appointment I didn't show up and he charged my parents anyway, so they didn't do that again for awhile. Of course they threatened to physically drag me into the car kicking and screaming and make me go.

Then, jump ahead years later to problems yet again with parents and mom thinks I need help so she decides I can pick somebody out this time. So I do and go because I know I have 'LOTS' of problems and I need to work on my issues so mom can have a normal life and be happy, right? :) So anyway, I go and she is suggesting some things to try with my parents and I don't remember specifics, but I remember doing what the counselor suggested and mom of course gets upset because I'm not conforming to her will, or I'm standing up to her or whatever. So next time (this was when I was in school, so wasn't working), since she's paying for the visit, she gives me $40 in QUARTERS to pay the counselor telling me that she won't care as long as she's getting her money. Well, you should have seen the reaction that brought from the counselor and I felt like a total idiot, totally humiliated, having to stand there and count out $40 worth of quarters that I had in a bag. That was the last time I went to see that counselor. Then I get accused by my mom of not sticking with things.

Probably told you how in elementary school even, I was getting picked on, and my lunch was stolen everyday. I would never eat, because kids always took it from me and I wasn't about to fight anybody or start a fight to stand up for myself. I would rather just be taken advantage of than get in trouble or do something I shouldn't do.

I remember as a kid, sitting in the corner at home with a pencil and piece of paper and writing over and over again, 'I'm a bad person, I will not do that again. I'm a bad person, I will not do that again.'

In second grade I had a teacher who was very hard on me and used to never let me go out to recess because I always needed to work on my school stuff, because I was stupid and would never amount to anything.

Before school, when mom had to work and couldn't stay home with me and took me to the baby sitters, the first time, I was so upset, cried, felt abandoned, and instead of trying to comfort me, the babysitter called me a baby and said all kinds of things after my mom left. All the other kids would too and soon I learned that it's best to stay away from everyone.

In fifth grade, there was a girl that I liked and gave her candy hearts with her valentine, never mind other guys did stuff too, but she singled me out and constantly made fun of me. One time out at recess she and her group of girls came up behind me (I didn't know they were there) and they pushed me down on the ground and laughed at me.

Start the agonizing mental thoughts and feelings and stomach problems. Nervous stomach, sounding like waterfalls going on in my stomach, because I would get myself that worked up over thinking and stewing on things and what people were thinking of me that I would make myself sick. I was so worked up about everything whether I was doing things right or not, I used to wonder if I had the ability by myself to go to the front of the room and sharpen my pencil without help. I would often feel like I had to pray for help from God to do this simple task and worried about people seeing me walk there and what they were thinking.

In sixth grade, middle school, I was lucky enough to sit at a table with all other girls. The one girl convinced all the other girls to give me a hard time and call me names and often times they would just sit there and STARE at me, and make faces at me and it was really uncomfortable. I used to get so worked up and be very concerened about what people thought of me even more than already. They used to make fun of my clothes, my shoes, everything my hair, every little thing I would do they would make fun of it. I couldn't do anything that they wouldn't make fun of.

Walking through the halls, there was a senior who was really big and he used to pick me up, I couldn't do anything about it, and he would carry me around and everyone would laugh, they thought it was funny. Another kid called me a pig and told me I looked like a pig. Kids would come out of nowhere and steal my books if I opened my locker, so I started having to carry all 10 of my books around in a duffel bag and it weighed so much, but I knew I couldn't use my locker, because some of my books would get stolen and some already had and I had to pay for them.

In geography class I had a teacher who used to have a globe that came apart and he would just naturally pick me as the person he would open up the globe and stick it over my head, singling me out to make fun of in the class.

In high school, I had a biology teacher who would ask me random things like what I ate, or what I liked to do and no matter what my answer was, he would make some huge joke out of it for the class.

This kind of stuff just goes on and on and on, and then all the issues over relationships (love) and how I was treated in those instances.

So yes, I do feel like my whole life I've been singled out by the universe to be picked on, mistreated, cursed etc. Because it seems like this kind of stuff happened to me from day one, stuff that would just naturally happen. People would go out of their way to be cruel and mean to me.

But I suppose this is all a product of my improper thinking as people tell me. I attracted this into my life because I don't think positive enough. I don't have the right beliefs, I don't think the right thoughts.

Again, get's back to feeling like I do when my mom and Annette basically ask me to stand on the edge of a cliff and defy gravity through sheer willpower.

Frustrating!!!

I can also remember when I was a kid, times when I would find a toy or something that I really liked, was happy and content with, but inevitably it would always bother mom and she would either take it, or throw it out or hide it, so I couldn't have it or I couldn't have it until I did such and such.

Several years back we had a cat that I really liked and mom was upset with me the one day for doing something and she let the cat out in the woods and never saw her again. For days I knew she was gone, and kind of figured what had happened, and was really hurt, but was afraid to say anything about it. I was hurt and angry. So angry that everybody was walking around acting like everything was normal when it wasn't normal. I wanted to yell and make a big fuss, about where Clause (found her around Christmas time hence the name). But I didn't, I kept it in and didn't say anything and tried to act like nothing was wrong because I was more afraid of what would happen if I would make a fuss, make waves.

Happened to come across this:

If you perceive or make a decision somewhere along the way that you are a 'bad' person and responsible for other people's emotions, for making them feel 'bad', then you will go through life hating yourself, thinking you are 'evil', perhaps without knowing it. You may feel constantly ashamed and guilty. You will continue to create situations where you feel bad about yourself, where you think you have done something wrong. You will, in all likelihood, create your life where things always seem to go wrong, and relationships and life will probably become a fearful thing for you.

Interesting, huh? Pretty fitting too. Problem still is as you say, not sure that a conscious effort is going to solve this problem. I feel like I have tried in the past very hard. I would buy success book after success book just to read something sort of different (same stuff in a different way), just trying to keep myself positive, and I guess it would help at first, because I would get all pumped up and feel I could take on the world until my mom showed any doubt, or until I sensed any opposite thinking to my own. If she wasn't 100% behind it, and I could tell, then I wavered, wasn't sure what to do. Didn't try as hard, didn't believe I could accomplish anything, etc.

The other thing is that it seems that no matter what my mom says I accept it as a self fulfilling prophecy, I can't seem to overcome the power of what she speaks.

She has been telling me for a long time, ever since I can remember that I'm depressed, that I have a mental illness. She tells me that nothing I do is going to help my condition, I have to live with it. She tells me that I can't have a job I like, I need to have a job that pays the bills, and those two don't go hand in hand. She tells me that I'm going to be dependant on them even when I'm 40 years old (getting closer). She tells me I never take action. She tells me that I'm not happy because I don't do this or don't do that or don't have this or don't have that. That things seem to fall into place for normal people, you know, most people get a job, get married, have a family, etc. But that things don't seem to work out like that for me.

And it's just like all this stuff, comes true. Some of this stuff she's been saying for a long time. When she fears something bad is going to happen to me, it does. When she warns me about something and tells me if I don't do exactly what she says, such and such is going to happen, and whenever I try to do it my way, the way I think is best, IT DOES HAPPEN, sure enough, she's always right. So I feel like I have no control over my life, because it's in my mom's hands and I need to get her to start saying good things so they start coming true.

Yeah, you're right. I can't be happy because, I am not in a job that I like. I can't be happy because I don't feel good. I can't be happy because I'm not in a relationship.

I'm not in a job I don't like, because I don't think I can get a job that I like. I don't have the credentials. I don't want to go to school, but figure I probably need to to get a job that I would be happier in. Can't go to school because A.) Financial B.) I don't think I'm smart enough. C.) Not sure what I want to do that would make me happy.

There are few things that make me excited/happy, but those few things that do, I get really passionate about. I am passionate about movies, medicine, nutrition, of course homeopathy. But part of me looks at the realistic picture and say well, you need a 'real job' so you can afford to live and pay bills.

Gone from job to job to job, not really happy, trying to do something just to pay the bills, it hasn't worked yet.

Can't get into any kind of alternative medicine, nutrition etc, when I myself have all these issues/problems. Don't want to go to school to become a doctor because I don't believe in what they teach, I'd be thrown out of medical school so fast for questioning what they believe to be true.

I can't be in a relationship because I'm not in a job that makes me happy, and because I feel like my health issues hold me back.

So yeah, it's all one big viscious cycle. And if one of those is not the case, then there's always, 'well, mom doesn't think I can succeed, so I can't do it.'

Will persist in things, but usually it's persistence in defeat. Struggle on, hoping, wishing, dreaming that maybe something will fall into place.

You know, I've been finding out a lot lately about the types of jobs I don't like. I worked at a hotel for awhile and decided I don't want to do that. I worked in car sales, certainly don't want to do that, as much as I miss the people there. I am now in a supervisory position but it's an office position and I realize I definitely don't want to do that.

It's almost like all the situations that I find myself in, in life, are all situations that allow me to live in mediocrity, never living up to my true potential. There's always that fear of what if I fail, what if I'm not good enough, what if I can't do this. Familiarity is good, comfort zone. Yet not happy, but too scared to venture out. And not always sure what to do, what steps to take. Often look to parents for guidance, but they never can get past the fact that what I want to do they don't believe in, so they never are able to counsel or give input without me feeling like it was a mistake for me to even want to try x, y, or z.

Oh, and as much as I thought I liked computers, realize I don't want to do that either. I like helping people. I've considered counseling, but keep thinking about school and not really wanting to go to school. I feel like I struggle so much with studies, like I'm very smart, but my intelligence is limited to what I can memorize. I have problems with application. Example in math when you learn a formula for different problems. I have great trouble seeing how that formula is used in varying situations. If you show me an example and give me the same problem I can solve it correctly because I can remember/memorize how it was done, but if you show me a completely different problem and ask me to apply that formula to it, I have problems, I feel lost, not knowing what to do, how to go about it. And I find I'm that way in life too. I feel like I don't always see how what I learned in one situation applies to a different situation.

I get angry when I see news stories of people dying of cancer, or when people have Parkinsons, Alzheimers, or other so called incurable conditions, because I feel like they shouldn't have to live with those conditions, I don't believe there's incurable conditions, there has to be an answer, there must be something that can help. But then when I think about my health issues and how I have never been able to find anything that helps, I start to doubt, and I question. I feel as if everything I believe, think, feel to be true from the deepest part of me is all a lie, it's a fraud, I'm a fraud because I go around with the feeling that something can be done for these people and I can't even do anything for myself. I've learned so much and I've read so much and I've taken a vastly different view on disease/health than the general public and feel like everything I know makes sense, but when I don't see it working it's frustrating. When you try and try and try following principles that are supposed to work it and it doesn't it's very heartbreaking. And it's like, 'what good is all this, if I can't do anything useful with it.' If I can't help myself, what makes me think I'm ever going to be able to help anyone else. And plus, years of trying to help others with various conditions (family members) that don't seem to respond to whatever I try. Though my family line is probably not a good one to practice/learn on. Given there seems to be some block, inherited or otherwise or just something that we don't seem to be able to overcome our chronic health issues.

Sorry, John, I put a lot of energy into that post without even realizing how it came out. Rereading I sounded defensive, but I wasn't feeling that way.

I do think those things, wasn't just overeacting to what you said.

Those are things that go over and over in my mind and really have for years.

Getting back to what you said about deciding, no middle ground. It's hard for me to stay committed to something unless it's something I really believe in. Because otherwise at first sign of obstacles I get discouraged, want to give up, lose motivation. Self-motivation is not my strong suit. Anyway, what I was going to say was I can also see how many times in my life I have wanted to do A and mom wanted B. So I don't want to make mom upset so I do B, but I don't really care about B, so I don't really put much effort into it and it either doesn't work out or it's just one of those struggle situations where I'm just barely above water. Almost like sometimes because I don't care, or felt like it wasn't my choice, I sabotaged it. At the same time, there are sometimes things I care about and don't try very hard, and I wonder if it's just because I'm afraid it won't work out so I don't want to get too involved in case it doesn't work. Subconsciously, who knows, maybe it's easier to let mom control and then I have a reason why it didn't work out as opposed to it being my decision and then something doesn't work out having to admit I may not have made a good choice at the time or I failed in that particular instant. Like a way to protect myself from things being my fault thus being a reflection on me, which I already feel like I'm not good enough, don't feel adequate, capable and all that other negative stuff that goes through my head.

Mom always had to take me to grandparents, so that must mean I'm not lovable, she didn't want me. People mistreat me so that must mean that I'm a bad person. NOT TRUE, but seems as though that's the meaning I've taken on over the years.

I guess a question I have is, how much of this do you suspect is involved in blocking action of remedies or preventing healing taking place? I'm sure I'm not the only one with a lot of issues (even though I might sound otherwise), and still people can get over problems, they can heal. Do you think it's an issue of too much, too many issues all working together, or is there still some root issue you think? And out of all this that I've mentioned above is there one thing that's still central to all this? Trying to figure what is unique about my case that is preventing getting better. Obviously this has been going on for years, and there were times when I was dealing with all this and didn't have such unusual symptoms, now it could be a cumilative effect I suppose, I don't know, but still very unusual symptoms for these issues to be totally causing.

Really thinking that Volition could be the root of all this. Seems to bring out the anger, self-pity, frustration.

There's a good definition in the book that I have with my kits for the Volition Vial.

Volition is power of the will; will power. Will is the ability to remain disciplined (make the right
decision) despite emotional feelings (anger, hate, jealousy, bitterness, etc.) If there is any emotion that
over rides your will, meaning you cannot remain in control of your emotions and feelings, you have
allowed an emotional problem to become a spiritual problem. This is volition.

I don't think I've been free from that issue since the day I was born. Back when I took Phosphorus 30c it really seemed to help me with that issue. It just didn't last very long, felt I noticed a very positive change for a couple days and then just wore off. I realize there has to be a balance here, can't expect not to take control of thoughts and take a remedy and have it fix everything. It's just been getting worse and worse over the years to the point where I feel like I don't even get that couple seconds to decide whether I'm going to react or not, feel like it's happening immediately as soon as someone says something, the point I'm at now, haven't always been that way, have always had trouble with keeping cool, but not this bad, and it just seems that my resistance over the years wore down more and more to the point of not being able to tolerate anything anymore.

I should add to that, not only just keeping cool, but always had trouble with not letting things bother me to the point where I feel like I can't function normally in life because I'm so caught up in thinking/worrying about what somebody said or did.