Stronger Potency or Better Remedy? _{Page 13 of 44}

Well, just intuitively I felt like there was something working against the two of us coming together and I wonder if I didn't bring something into my life that was supposed to cause a wedge between my friend and her husband. The girl I went out to the other state to live near. It just seemed like everything started falling apart and maybe that was just one of those - 'Wasn't meant to be things,' but I wasn't even half the same person I normally am. And basically I made quiet an impression that she'll never forget. Along with the fear constantly that I was dying. I would be in jealous fits of rage and anger and swearing at her and saying mean things, ugly things that I would never do normally. I mean it was really intense. I've been angry before but never to the point where I caused that much drama and pain. And it was like we couldn't even stand to be together for more than a minute and we've been long time friends for 4 years.

Don't get me wrong, she played a part too, it always takes two to tango as they say, but I feel that if I had done even halfway decent job of being a little more calm, not reacting, not getting so extreme emotional one end of the spectrum to the other, things might have gone better. I just wasn't myself at all, and felt like I had become a totally different person, one that I didn't like one bit. She's also very much like my mom so there's issues there too where getting along is very difficult, even though I love both of them very much, it's just hard for us to be compatible.

Yes, definitely, and once I was actually there, not so far away it seemed like things were heading in the right direction, she was showing interest, talking about dating me, even was ready to email my mom (she really loves my mom and my mom her) and officially tell her we're dating, but then she was afraid. She's not one to commit easily. And then it just seemed like things got worse and worse. She decided that she didn't want to hardly see me anymore (after she was just talking about dating me) and it was like the final straw for me and I just lost it. Then the anger, jealousy, rage even more so than before. This was probably around November. And we just kept growing further and further apart. Things improved when I came back to PA. She's just not one who easily shares feelings either, she feels a lot but is very closed off in that respect, so it's like my mom, I don't feel like she cares. And she shows she cares by doing things for me and for me I just want her to tell me she cares or give me a hug or something. But she's not super expressive in that regard.

Speaking of 'ruined the relationship,' that's another thing that goes along with my somewhat hysterical states where everything right away is always 'ruined,' 'no hope,' 'all is lost,' 'forget it, it's over.'

She actually brought that to my attention one time about how I'm so back and fourth, always ready to run as soon as something bad happens. And that would be a fair estimate to say that. I do tend to react immediately that way. Even though I NEVER give up on anything, that's always my first response. And many times when out there, I would just give the attitude of 'Fine, you know what, if you don't care, I'll just move back home.' I would say that because I wanted to know she cared and of course she would reply with 'Fine, I don't care.' Which would make me even more upset, cause it was like she didn't care if I did or not. But getting back to what I was saying earlier, even though I am very persistent and don't give up, I do always react at first as if everything little that goes wrong is the end of the world.

The girl at the car dealer was Nicole. The other girl is Annette. Annette had always been jealous of Nicole and acted like she would treat me better than Nicole and would always get upset when I was more interested in her, even though Annette and I were about 500 miles apart. I would at times especially when the new guy came to the dealership (there again, felt like something working in my life to cause problems, prevent things from working out. Because I was feeling like Nicole was really at the point where she was becoming more interested in me, and then when the other guy came things rapidly fell apart. This is a continual thing in my life where things will be going very well for so long and then all of a sudden just like that everything starts falling apart and so I feel as if there is some external force creating problems for me or causing problems in my life. Hence the feeling of being cursed.

Anyway, I think originally when this guy came to the dealership that started the anger/rage/jealousy issues. Have always tended towards jealousy and then leading to anger, but never to the degree as with Nicole. I was practically going crazy because I felt like I had worked hard over the years to get to know her and build a relationship and it all gets torn down over night and felt like this other guy would do things on purpose just so spite me or prevent me from making any progress. And so I just backed down completely, removed myself from the situation, withdrew, but silently so angry and upset. Would go home and throw things, get mad, blow up, because of containing it all day long and it was as if this guy would flaunt himself in front of me like hitting on her and making sure that I knew. When there were responsibilities that were his at the dealership, he would make some excuse and somehow he would convince management that it was my job so he would continue hanging all over Nicole and I would be the one who would have to go and take care of things he was supposed to do all the while getting extremely upset, hot, angry, jealous, rage etc. All of it and to an extreme degree.

Annette and I had always just been very good friends. In fact, my best friend ever. We always got along well because it seemed like we were almost complete opposites in regards to our moods, that when she was feeling down, I was feeling high energy and could boost her up and when I was upset she was feeling happy and positive. So we almost complimented each other. At times she lead me to believe she was interested in me romantically and other times completely the opposite, so it was tough to tell. But she also was good at creating drama. No matter what it is that comes up, her first response is to always freak out about it first. The difference is, she freaks out and then she gets over it and makes solid plans to do something about it. My problem is freaking out and just sitting and letting the problem eat at me and not knowing what to do and doing nothing and letting it continue to eat at me constantly, all the time, no end. Then it turns to self-pity, anger, etc.

So there was a lot of back and fourth drama between us even before I went out there, a lot of stress, just not knowing what she wanted, being confused, and I just had a feeling if I was out there in person things would be different and it turned out to be a correct assumption, that even though she acted like she didn't want me out there, she was showing romantic interest within the first week of me being there when she said she had no interest. But then it just began to be too much back and fourth stuff out there mixed with the symptoms and stuff I was dealing with. It was kind of a devastating blow when it seemed like things were falling into place and then suddenly falling apart.

Same thing with the job situation, I interviewed for a position that wasn't advertised, I walked into the store on my own and turns out they needed a manager. And the manager there acted like she wanted to hire me ASAP and it seemed like things were falling into place and all of a sudden it was as if the whole demanor changed, she wasn't friendly toward me, she wouldn't answer my calls or return my calls and she had pretty much told me she wanted to hire me during the first interview. So it just seems like ALWAYS there is something that when things are going good, something happens to block progress further, like I can always get to the hump of the hill in everything I do, but never quiet over it to the other side where my intended destination is/lies.

The situation with Nicole was pretty much over in January. Then February left the dealership. And in July is when I went out to the other state.

So actually I'd say there was almost insane jealousy, and extreme rage/anger leading up to the May 8th incident. Possibly creating major weakness for the trauma to have more effect.

Also interesting while I'm thinking of it. My grandmother on my mom's side, once got so insanely jealous over someone one time after her husband died, she was talking about killing the other person who was a possible competitor. My mom told me that, otherwise I never would have guessed it. And my mom can be very jealous too. So definitely get that from my mom's side of the family.

Add to that the stress of dowsing, and it was just way too much for my system I think. The dowsing alone even when I wasn't so intensely jealous, full of rage, years back was interfering with my sleeping (didn't recognize it at the time), so it was obviously weakening me then and with the other added stressors it was almost just complete breakdown of my system and I would guess mostly mentally.

No, never took Ignatia before or after May 8th incident. There were probably a lot of emotional times in my life where Ignatia would have served me well and maybe not let me get so deep into the states, but anyway, can't change that now.

It did seem like symptoms got much worse from the anger/jealousy. It was like that before May 8th too, only a different situation, because then it was my chronic pain. And any time I'd get angry, jealous, upset, my pain would be 10 times worse. In fact I could cause myself to have the worst day of my life pain wise if I wanted, just by getting really angry and upset about something, including jealous because that usually leads to the anger/rage as well as to obsessional thinking.

It's almost like this whole thing is just my chronic pain in a different form. That sounds weird I know, but it seems to be reacting the exact same way where sometimes my pain would randomly be worse even when I wasn't upset and could find no real reason why it got worse, but then there were the obvious time that I could see that emotions, particularly anger etc. made it worse.

Before May 8th, I had gotten to the point where I was so angry/rage (mostly kept it inside though) that my liver was sore.

I can't say for sure that it was the complete cause of everything being worse after May 8th, but definitely seemed like a trigger, or like it created a window of opportunity for something to happen.

Also think suspicion is part of the jealousy too. Like always assuming people are thinking the worst of me, have bad intentions towards me, suspicion of others motives (low self-esteem, self-conscious)

Kind of gets back to the paranoia issue though too.

Around 2:30 this afternoon started feeling really bad again. We had to go to other stores out of town and like I mentioned before, always seem to feel worse when head WEST plus head into a bigger town. But this was more than that. I started feeling panic again, fear of death. Started feeling like I had to get away from something again. Like I was being pushed out of my body. My boss was in the car with me, but if I had been alone I would have been verbally crazy, cause I felt like I was going crazy, felt like I should be praying for protection. I started thinking about lighting candles to ward off any negative energy/evil spirits. Feeling like I had to go back home to sleep again, that I can't be alone in my apartment anymore. I was the same way in the other state, where I was calling Annette and telling her in a panic she needs to come over and be with me, that I can't be alone, if I'm alone I'm going to die. And when she said she couldn't that she was busy, I went crazy, like, 'Fine, you know what, this is going to be your fault if I die.' I was insistent upon the fact that I had to have company.

My mom always had trouble sleeping at my apartment in Indiana and I feel like her sleeping got worse when I came back to PA too and stayed with them, so I feel like whatever messes with me messes with her when I'm around. In fact John, it's crazy, because I had one short (one week) temp job in Indiana and people who had never had problems before, the people I was working around started getting dizzy and falling over and having ear symptoms and stuff. It was like whatever energy was around me was also affecting them.

Driving back home today in the car, thought for sure I was going to die, wasn't going to make it and again it's so hard to describe, just feels like I'm being pushed out of my body, like my energy is going to leave me or something. I would tense up to the point where my muscles were burning like crazy, but felt like I had to tense up to stay in my body, if I let go I'm going to come out of my body, if I relax I'm dead.

Feeling like I can't function normally, I can only think of this feeling that's happening to me. Rocking/floating feeling.

Stomach is all worked up, in knots, feel like I might have diarrhea, but don't.

I really don't think going back home is an option, my parents were ready to put me in a mental institution earlier, so they wouldn't understand this. But I'm not making it up. I really feel this.

Not just candles in particular, just anything that I've read about that is supposed to help offer protection. The thing is, when I was in Indiana, I was doing all the stuff they tell you to do, candles, had sea salt in the corners of the rooms, and around where I sleep. I was advised by an energy healer to be burning frankincense, so I was doing that. But the thing is, none of it was really helping. The one energy healer lady said she wasn't finding anything (other than something which she couldn't really describe, she said it wasn't really like a spirit or entity, but more a THOUGHT FORM(S), that they were arrogant in nature and felt like they had all the power in the world over me, though she said they weren't as powerful as they seemed to think they were. But she could get rid of them, and they'd just come right back later. She also at one point felt like there were thought forms that belonged to me. I don't know if she was thinking it was some part of me that split off on the attack of May 8th and I'm just feeding it with my fear or something, I have no idea what to think anymore, but it does seem to me if it really was something, that everything I had been doing and trying should have worked. Another one said I had a psychic vampire attached at the hip.

Yeah, I don't know anymore, not sure who or what can help because I have consulted with many different energy healers and some find something but say they clear the problem, but then it just comes back, some don't find anything. I have dealt with people who charge $50 for a session and I have dealt with so called professionals who charge $400 a session and have been gracious enough to not charge me for their services because I couldn't afford it. One energy healer told me I was born with a spirit wrapped around my soul and she supposedly took care of that, but it didn't change anything.

John, been thinking, it's obvious what triggered the issue here, not that it wasn't bad before, but all of a sudden it's a whole lot worse, because out on my own, alone, out from under protection.

Even though trying to approach all this from a positive mind set, still natural anxiety in back of mind, subconscious, probably opening up doorway for influence to take more hold. I really thought I was doing well enough that this wouldn't even be an issue when I moved out on my own, but apparently much more so than I thought.

Other thing is, they say like attracts like. Well, didn't see some things when I first went to look at this place and had just been praying that I'd find a nice, good, affordable, safe place with good/positive energy. Well, it seems that there was LOTS OF ANGER/RAGE in the previous tennants in this apartment. There are gashes in the doors, blinds are broken. It's a shame, nice place otherwise, but that's not the issue here, what I'm trying to say is talked to the landlord to make sure he knew the stuff was not me and he said he knew and the previous tennant caused it. Now if you get into metaphysical realm, they always say that that kind of nature just attracts lower energies. And they tend to hang out in places like that. So there very well could be something there just draining me further, who knows.

What that means, I have no idea. I can't believe how dramatic the shift. I went from feeling great, (though still the first day there, knowing that I felt different) to feeling like I want to go home to sleep tonight, feeling like I might die if I don't, that I won't survive another night there, and just feeling like I can't focus/function, it's just so constant in my mind. Get's back to the obsessive thinking, can't let it go, can't get over the thoughts, fears, sensations.

I should qualify the feeling great I meantioned above as feeling much better than I am now. Comparison to how I was feeling when I was out on my own before. I wasn't feeling great, but doing much better than before, and now feels like I'm just reverting right back to my previous state. So yeah, compared to this, I was feeling great.

Now it's more like hanging onto a thread or just barely hanging onto my life ALL THE TIME, not just ocassionally. it's constant, always. My desire is to roll up in a ball and just lay there, not move or do anything and just be covered with a blanket or something. So it's the whole feeling vulnerable, lacking protection or feeling of protection.

okay, tonight, (I'm actually at work to use the computer, don't have internet hooked up yet), but before I came, I went to my kits to check what I get. I seem to have found now a way around my accuracy problem and it's somewhat annoying to fix, but I think I can do it. At any rate, I got Sacral Chakra and Solar Plexus as the Chakra Imbalances. For actual Anatomy I'm getting Kidney (Fear) and Pituitary (Corticotrope Cells - ACTH).

Didn't go through my entire classical kit, but picked up the ones we just ordered not too long ago and Phos 1M fixed both issues, and Meddorhinum was correcting Kidney but not completely Pituitary.

Corticotrope cells would make sense (EXCESS STRESS HORMONES - FIGHT OR FLIGHT).

I can go through and see what I get this time around for a list and let you know tomorrow. Do you think I should move my kits (vials) down to the car too or just the homeopathics that I have?