Stronger Potency or Better Remedy? _{Page 25 of 44}

Yeah, have been involved with astrology some in past, why do you ask? And yes, I never drink coffee or tea.

Also this afternoon around 3:00 maybe noticed a pain in the stomach, like I was going to vomit, nausea, almost like a sharp, gnawing pain. With some sweating of forehead and dizziness.

Only lasted a short while, and did go to bathroom (stool) only a little bit, so not sure if that helped or just got better on it's own.

The pain was kind of the center of the stomach, above the belly button. I would say within 5 minutes of the pain starting I went to the bathroom. And I probably ate at least two hours before, but I was kind of picking at stuff through the afternoon. Was eating nuts.

Did you want that information? Date and time of birth?

Something else I forgot to mention is that it seemes also the past two days like there has been an increase in the sensation of electrical current in my feet and also head. Moreso the fee though. And definitely more like electrical current than tingling, but suppose it could be one in the same, not sure. Seems that increased sensation of electrical current in feet/head does coincide with symptoms being worse.

Also seems like the past two days there has been increased sexual energy as well.

And yesterday had sensation of energy in my body from head down to buttocks, not moving from head to buttocks, but there being energy in all those places, but not head to toe, like energy was not in lower part of body. Now that sensation I've had before, in fact it's the similar feeling I've had when I used to complain about 5:00 feeling like my energy was higher up in my body or that I felt like I was taller. When sitting in the car it's as if there's all this energy sometimes in one spot, like something is blocking it from being able to move down my legs so it all balls up right there above the start of the legs. Yesterday it seemed to be alternating between staying there and not being able to move and then at other times moving down the legs and being evenly dispersed throughout my body. And when it is evenly dispersed I feel as if I'm more in my body, like I'm shorter, because my energy is also in my lower body. When it's not down into my legs, I feel as if I'm sitting on my behind, but sitting on this ball of energy and I'm kind of bouncing around on my seat because of the energy that's balled there and trying to move around or go lower but it can't. it's the same energy that when I had my chronic pain it was balled up in my legs, mostly my thighs and I could feel it moving around in my legs/thighs, creating a lot of pain. Now it just seems like it's up higher and the reason why I feel like I'm coming out of my body because it's not down low where it used to be.

It's kind of a combination between a feeling of light breeze flowing through feet with the sensation of electrical current going through a circuit or a wire. Slight sensation of vibration with the electrical current. definitely different than the tingling you get when you lay on a part funny and it goes to sleep. This feels like a flow of energy through the parts.

But still have some of the prickling sensation that you get when a part falls asleep. So it's hard to describe, but it's kind of a combination, a little of this, a little of that, all combined to make the sensation that I feel. Trying to think of something that would more accurately describe it.

Similar to the sensation maybe of a massager if you were to hold it on your skin and you get that vibrating ensation, just a very low degree of vibration and then the prickling and a feeling of it flowing or moving through.

Something else, in the post above where I mentioned incrased sexual energy. This is going to sound strange, but I have a feeling that it's not real sexual energy. it's fake or something. Like sexual energy without actual viatal force behind it. Gets back to my description before of feeling like much sexual energy but no power. Also associate this with the sense of will and power/vitality. The same energy that people have who are 89 years old and active, swimming, going to the gym. I know people like that. I have lacked that energy my whole life. Just always been weak, sickly, lack of will, energy, power, vitality, the energy that allows people to thrive rather than waste away.

Not usually pain involved really. I would say that feet are more sensitive and it's the soles only, I think I forgot to mention that before. However, I did notice once today and once the a day or two ago too I think that it seemed like it was tingling so much it was almost a sense of feet burning, again only the soles of the feet, burning because of that much tingling, like intense, more energy or electrical energy going through that it was painful.

Yes, with sexual energy there is a great desire for release. But it's just been a lot the past two days, much more than normal. With a sense of seual energy not just at night, but all throughout day as well. Comes and goes.

Don't exercise much, get some walking in, but really not enough. Intense exercise seems to make me lightheaded, faint, more dizzy. And really because of the dizziness, rocking, feeling of feet not touching the ground (which I had again earlier today) makes me not want to move around.

Pain in the back that radiates to front is back again, seems like it comes on when sitting at computer hunched over. This time it seems like the pain that radiates to the front at the hiatal hernia spot seems to be a pushing out type pain. Like pushing from the inside out at that spot.

Also noticed tonight that (at parents to visit) my dad was kind of tensing up, jerking, trembling/shaking of limbs during exciting part of movie as if anticipating what was going to happen and it was a really funny scene, like, 'oh my gosh, can't believe this is happening!.' So it wasn't anything scary, but he was sitll gettin excited and limbs where shaking, arms tensing up and jerking in the excitment/anticipation, like he was reacting physically to the energy of the movie. Just reminded me of how I tend to react to things too and so I'm sure there's some inherited nerve weakness there from father.

Also on my mothers side, grandmother said that there's a long line of diabetes back generations in her family on her husbands side who was the one who died early of diabetes. Of all the people in past who had it, nobody else got it in the family in recent generations but my grandfather, who of course I never knew.

I can tell you that it seemed like my chronic pain was worse from releasing, and it does seem at times that I do get lighter from release, so definitely weakness. If do not release, seems like I'm more tense, anxious, on edge, irritable. Going back years, it seemed like I could never sleep if I did not release. Would just lay away forever, tired as could be, but brain didn't seem like it would give the instruction to go to sleep, would never shut down like my physical body was.

And always during release, seemed like I was someone else, something else, never felt like myself, like it was some other part of me, some evil side, felt more like something else working through me, like it would torment me until I would give in.

Well, I was trying to avoid all the acidic ones. Like I had some watermelon. Drank a little apple juice, didn't think it was really acidic, but I won't have anything at all. Didn't have any tomatoes no. Been trying to drink a lot more water instead of anything else.

Here's a typical situation in my life. Just got into an argument with my mom because she mentioned to me that I'm putting on a lot of weight. And I am, I know I am. And I know why too, because when I have this constant feeling like I'm going to come out of my body and die, I eat so I feel grounded. And I know that as much as I'm eating I am putting on weight.

I can't even tell her how I'm feeling because she won't believe me. She asked me tonight if I'm feeling alright, and I just said, 'No, not really (all huffy), but I'm okay.' Because I know there's no use even trying to explain it to her.

So after the weight thing, I got really upset and went to the extreme of 'Fine, take back all the food you gave me I don't want any of it.' Then she got upset at me because I was doing my typical 'all or nothing attitude.'

Then next she tells me how I need to look good because she thinks Annette might visit us some time. And I replied that I don't care about her anymore.

So then comes my typical feeling of hating my life, everything, wanting to die, wanting to kill myself, but too scared, just wishing this would all be over, and having to think about how miserable everything in my life is and how miserable I am.

So now because of the one thing my mom tried to say to me, I'm all in sorts. Moody, irritiable, defeated, self-pity. I feel like I want to quit my job, go home and just lay there and starve myself, not eat, and just waste my life away and be unhappy. Tired of trying. Who cares anymore. Etc. Etc.

And sometimes I do wish I would die so everyone would see how I wasn't making all this up and there really was something wrong. I want them to believe me, to realize I'm not crazy and that I'm telling honestly how I feel, what I'm experiencing.

Well, I think the last time was when she mentioned about having opened my mail and particularly my bank account statement. Even though I stood up to her and told her there was no excuse for her opening my mail, I still felt horrible afterwards.

I think a more extreme time was several weeks before I moved into my apartment when we had to have a big round table meeting with my mom and my dad and they had to question me about why I didn't choose this one or that one. My mom got really upset because she saw no reason why some of the apartments weren't good choices for me because she was only seeing the physical aspect. I could tell right away in some of the places that I wasn't going to feel good. And so I WAS turning down some REALLY GREAT places because I felt sensitive in them, I could feel that I was being affected by energy there that I didn't feel good, but of course I can't explain that to my mom, so once again I'm in a situation where it looks to her like I'm just a total loser and there's something wrong with me for not doing what 'NORMAL' people do, when in reality I had a very good reason, but can't tell her my reason because she would just say something like, 'Steve, stop using that as an excuse, you always feel bad, quit being a baby.' So basically I just keep my mouth shut and take the brunt, feeling defenseless, and kicked when I'm already down and not being able to do anything about it. And I kind of went into my extreme mode in that situation too. I grabbed up all the ads that mom had cut out for me in the paper and I threw them up in the air and I just pointed at one at random and was like, 'fine, that apartment, right there, let's call about it and put a deposit on it right now, I don't even have to see it and you know what, I don't even care if it doesn't have a toilet, you want me out of the house, let's just pick one.' Then of course my mom got upset and was like, 'Steve, you don't have to get like that just because etc. etc.'

This has been going on my whole life.

And it seems like my mom always knows just when to say something that I already am aware of is a problem and am struggling myself to deal with and trying to find answers to, trying to find a solution to and so I'm already feeling bad about it and then she says something about it, like, 'Steve, you need to deal with this, or you need to take care of this, stop doing this, start doing that etc.' A real world example would be situations where she would get on my case about the fact that if I would talk to girls and work on friendships with them they would like me and go out with me. And I need to get dates and go out with people and do things. And this would come immediately after I had just been working very hard on a friendship and would ask for a date and get turned down by somebody I thought I had a good relationship with. It's like the same thing that is blocking me from doing things, works through my mom and knows just when I'm down and defeated and then mom gets on my case about the very thing that I'm already depressed about, as if I wasn't upset enough about it. And like I said, her timing is ALWAYS impeccable, like she knows just the right time when it's going to hurt me the most to say this or that.

My mom will usually always after she says something to upset me try to engage me in conversation, and try to be all chatty. But there's no way I want to talk to her and will either not respond to things that she says or I'll give as short answers as possible. Also she will often in the middle of discussions ask me how I feel about something, but I know from experience whatever I say she's going to tell me how I'm wrong or how my point of view is wrong, so I will just shrug and say I don't know because I don't want to say how I really feel because I'm afraid of how she (and my dad too) is going to discredit how I feel. So when I don't say anything to protect myself then I get told how my problem is that I'm not honest with people, I don't tell people how I feel or that the problem is that I don't know how I feel. But I'd rather get told that, then to be told I'm wrong or I shouldn't feel the way I do, or that my feelings are wrong or not normal or whatever so I just keep my mouth shut, but still it eats at me when I have to constantly just sit there and take the blows and know that I can't do anything about it. Knowing that standing up for myself doesn't work and is in fact even worse than letting myself get kicked and abused when I'm down. Because my parents get really upset when I try to stand up for how I feel. And they either say something like, 'Fine, don't ever come to us for help again with anything, or they'll say something like they're never going to help me financially if I ever need it or my mom will threaten to tell my grandma something or just ridiculous stuff to get me to give in and back down. I don't think I've ever stood up for anything in my life. And of course my mom and Annette are always saying how I need to be tougher and stick up for myself and not let people walk all over me, though they are the first to get upset and tell me how I don't have any right to stand up to them when I do try to stick up for myself, so it's like a no win situation.

So here again we have the theme of me feeling like I have no way to protect myself, that I'm open, vulnerable and there's nothing I can do about it. And sometimes even when I try to hide stuff from my mom, she finds out somehow or she just knows about stuff and then again feel violated with no way to keep myself safe from emotional/verbal abuse. And maybe some of it is me just being so sensitive, I'm sure there are situations where I overreact to things that the normal person would not, but yes, as you say, learned response, it's been going on so long now, for so many years that's it's just a natural reaction.