Stronger Potency or Better Remedy? _{Page 36 of 44}

Also great sensation of heat in the lower body, fullness of head, increase of electrical current sensation running through body, short period of pain in the penis. The nausea I had went away.

This was only a 1 minute prayer (late morning, Lunch time) and didn't even put a lot of energy into it or anything.

So where do you go when you don't feel a patient is accurately representing their mental symptoms? How can you have any certainty of any action of the remedy? I mean I could lie and say things that I'm not really experiencing, but that wouldn't be true either. And it's always because things that I experience are so far out, but I'm not making it up. How is it possible for me on one hand to have no idea what I'm truly experiencing, and on another hand to be able to carry out functions in life that require correct mental thought processes? I don't understand.

This is why I feel like everyone is against me because these symptoms are created soley for the purpose to make me look like a complete idiot. So then I start feeling suspicious, cautious, like I can't trust anyone, like I can't tell anyone the truth because what I say seems not even remotely possible. So gets back to the fact of me needing to avoid everyone, have no contact with people, not open up, keep everything inside and know that I can't be real with anyone because what is real, isn't really what is real and that other people think I'm just saying things to get attention or whatever.

And the frustating part is like for example, when Annette told me the one day when I was in Indiana that she started having sensations where she was felt as if she were falling through the bed and she was afraid she was going to die, I didn't question her because I had experienced it too, I knew that what she was feeling was real. And yet three days later when she no longer has those symptoms/sensations anymore, and I tell her that I'm having those sensations she acts like she doesn't even believe me or it's not a big deal and I need to stop making it up when she herself experienced it and didn't like it. It's so frustrating.

Headache (mostly frontal) with very sharp pains in the right kidney.

Also kind of a generalized aching as if I had the flu or something viral. Lightness of body came back as well.

More of the viral/flu like achiness, but mostly in the legs (lower). Feeling like it's nerve related.

Yeah and the interesting part is that I don't talk nearly that much about myself in person. Only in writing, just naturally am better able to express myself in writing, but when speaking have much trouble coming up with the right words or the right way to say something and kind of stumble over myself as I'm speaking because I can't say it as fast as I can type/write it. So if you were meeting with me in person there would probably only be 1/3 of the posts that I've made here.

Also going back to childhood, I keep thinking about all the various health issues that never were resolved, only suppressed.

Ear infections 2/3 times a year, starting at age 2/3. Antibiotics.

Strep throat 2/3 times a year, antibiotics.

Allergies - Hayfever, bloodshot/itchy eyes.

Acne - Antibiotics for years, creams all sorts of things. Then Accutane seemingly cured my acne, beause it totally went away when I had been trying all kinds of things for years and nothing worked. So did it really go away? No, I'm sure it didn't, it's suppressed somewhere, created a deeper issue.

All these issues were never resolved, and all were acute things that were chronic in nature, couldn't seem to overcome them and nothing really seemed to help or work. The acne in particular, I had tried some different natural stuff at that point and just like everything else that is happening now it would seem to help at first but then would soon loose it's effect.

I feel like the same thing underlying these is at the root of what's going on now, because it seems like looking back that one thing just turned into another, the diseases changed through the years, but the same difficulty in treating the problem no matter what symptoms it manifested as.

Went vegetarian after Accutane, because I had such horrible joint pains and when I stopped eating meat they went away. Mostly did it because at that point when I started having declining health and the chronic pain started did a lot of research and felt I would be healthier eating vegetarian diet, and not only did it help my joints, but it also helped me a lot digestion wise. My dad has such a horrible time with his stomach being upset and everything seems to bother him, again he hasn't really tried much alternative, gone mostly the conventional route, but nothing helps him, has been to every specialist in the book, and whenever I do give him something natural to try it usually makes him worse so he is afraid to try anything. Spices, tomatoes, milk upset him badly. And I think too that in his case meat makes him worse too. Also most of the problem is stress. My dad and I are a lot a like in that respect where we get easily affected by things and tend to 'OVERTHINK' things and our thinking often tends to come from our gut. We drive ourselves crazy, thinking and rethinking and rethinking and thinking some more etc. Until we works ourselves into such a nervous fit (stomach suffers the most) and yet we keep it in, we keep it to ourselves, don't let much out. It's all very much internal suffering.

I've been vegetarian for about 7 1/2 years now. I did one time after talking to a chiropractor when I was trying things to help my chronic pain, went to more of an atkins diet, trying to eat a lot of protein and it seemed to help my chronic pain in my muscles, but my joint pains were bad again and I had gone to see my nutritional counselor and I didn't even tell her what I did differently (diet wise) and she does the urine and saliva testing and asked me what in the world was going on because my kidneys were big time stressed, so then I told her about the protein thing and she told me to stop it at once because my kidneys were really taking a beating.

Okay, John, I've got a question. In regards to holding certain things back, not wanting to talk about certain issues. How much is this something that is part of the condition and how much is it just learned behavior? Like our upbringing, we know we should keep those things to ourselves. And, how unusual is it? For example, let's say somebody likes to talk and talk and talk all the time, you can't get them to be quiet even if you wanted to. But let's say they had an affair and they don't want to talk about it. Is that unusual that they don't want to talk about that, or is it a typical reaction. I would think that's a normal reaction that most people have. On the other hand, what if someone was going around telling everybody they met they had an affair, now I would think that would be unusual.

I've noticed over the years that whenever someone suggests there is an emotional issue at the root of my condition (in relation to my chronic pain) I freeze up, clam up, get quiet, retreat. One time specifically I remember talking to someone on the phone, someone very intuitive who I met online and she was talking about different things and all of a sudden out of the blue she goes, 'I think there's an emotional block at the root of this.' And I froze. I was extremely uncomfortable. And she said to me, 'Woah, what just happened, are you still there?' And then mentioned that she could sense a huge shift in my energy over the phone just like that when she said that. And of course I tried to blow it off like, 'Oh, I know there's nothing emotional. Or I know this is physical and it can't be something emotional.' But it totally changed my opinion of her and I didn't want to her anymore, I felt violated, wanted to protect myself. Didn't feel safe. And also the feeling that, 'this person thinks there is something wrong me.' And whenever I feel like that I shut down. It could be that somebody points out some little thing that they don't like, not that they don't like me, in fact they probably like me a lot, but as soon as there is anything said that I feel is a personal attack on me I shut down immediately and usually from that point forward I don't like to open up or tell the whole truth.

Same reaction when you brought up certain things here on the board that I didn't want to answer or get into.

And then so often there are situations with my mom over the years where she'll be all in sorts and come talk to me because she's unhappy with her life and this and that and I sit there and listen and am sympathetic.

Reverse the scenario, I am feeling upset and goto mom to talk to her about not being happy and I could say word for word the same things she said to me, and her response is, 'Steve, I've told you for years, you're depressed, you have a mental disease, you need help.' Okay, not word for word like that, but along those lines. So I lose it, get angry, go away feeling worse than before I talked to her and vow never to open up again like that. Then for the next week I'll have that conversation in my mind, I won't be able to escape from it.

Then resentment/bitterness follows because I start thinking things like, 'Hmm, mom, when you came to me and told me your problems I didn't go telling you what I thought was wrong with you.' And so often that happens to me where I listen to people and sure I think to myself, well, that person has an issue with this or that or this person needs help or something, but I don't tell them that, because I know that I wouldn't want somebody telling me that.

So many times in life I get upset because I feel like I treat people the way I want to be treated and yet I don't get the same level of concern/courtesy or whatever back. And when I talk to the people in my life who do this, they tell me that by pointing out my faults and telling me what's wrong with me is their way of showing me they care. Is their way of loving me because I need to change and they just want to help me to change by pointing out the areas where I need to. (And there's always plenty of them). So I get so caught up in needing to be different, never good enough, trying to please people, what if I say this to this person, what if I say that to that person, am I going to get this reaction, or am I going to get that reaction. And I try to mold what I say around the reaction I think I'm going to get. Only with people who I know are problematic (like parents), I purposely say things that aren't true as to elicit the reaction that I want.

Along with the previous health issues I mentioned going back to childhood, there's also the Aluminum Toxicity (not proven, just my feeling) from when I was using antacids, a pack of tums/rolaids a day when I was 13 in middle school because my stomach was so upset all the time.

Something else (not new), when I'm in the presence of other people and am uncomfortable, I always have to be doing something with my hands. Like playing with a pencil or holding something, rubbing my fingers together, whatever, but I must be keeping my hands doing something and feel more anxious if I'm just keeping them still. This does not happen when I'm alone.

Lots of shame from bedwetting and acne too. Would hide from people because I was ashamed of how I looked (acne) and also would avoid people from bedwetting problem because I was always wondering if this person or that person knows or would find out.

Even more lightness than usual, electrical current/tingling sensation in the head and feet greatly increased.

Had a dream last night of mice running around and being really scared of them.

Yes, mice and rats in normal state, big time mice though, bugs (not flies, mostly just the ones that crawl or jump)groundhogs, possums, really hate possums, even when I'm in my car driving and I see one it scares me.

P.S. Interestingly the major lightness came on right after the email I sent yesterday. I think there's a connection there.

I remember my first apartment I saw a mouse and I freaked out big time. It was like 12:30 at night and I went immediately to Walmart and purchased lots of traps, and I had them all over the place, there was a trap every five feet. (Didn't take me long to catch it).

Oh, and of course terrified of dogs as well.

Had a moment around 6:00 maybe a little earlier where I had a palpitation. All of a sudden, almost like an anxiety/panic feeling, didn't last long. Then a little later on, currently as I'm posing this, some fullness in the body returned (heaviness), but the sensation of being pulled or as if moving even though still, like the sensation of riding along in a car greatly increased.

Making something to eat now, but very hungry as well and thinking this could have something to do with it, but not sure.

Also usually have a bowel movement immediately after eating. Not sure if mentioned that before. Lately I've been having diarrhea though, not much time to make it when I have to go, comes on VERY VERY suddenly.

Keep looking for something that fits with water tasting bad upon waking, first thing in morning, because I absolutely hate water in the morning, can't stand it. It doesn't even taste like water. It tastes terrible. There is no other time of day that I try to drink water that it tastes like that. Maybe this is normal, but it seems like an unsual indication to me. But don't see it anywhere I've looked so far.

There was also a moment this evening where the pain in my left scapula radiating to the front was so bad I thought I was going to vommit. Only for a split second it was just from the overwhelming pain. Not that my stomach was upset or anything.